Episode Review: "Girl Meets She Don't Like Me" (#3.14)

I have had just the worst week and I had no intention of writing this tonight, but I can't really go anywhere when I'm sick and I have enough vodka to get through this review so HEY. LET'S JUST GO FOR IT, MAN. Just like they taught us in Girl Meets... Huh. They never really talk about chasing your dreams because none of the characters have any goals. Great.

Just like they taught us in The Eskimo.

Riley wants to make new friends, Maya fearlessly attempts to anchor her in reality. I love this moment where she and this other girl exchange easy pleasantries, but she gets angry when pressed for anything more than "How are you?" It's one of those Meets World Moments where you're like WOAH THAT'S TOO REAL. It's like when I wave or say hi to that one guy I see every single day. I don't have time for you, nobody wants to talk to you, keep moving.

Riley goes and is Riley to some poor unsuspecting girl. Riley is so annoying, you guys. I hate it, I would never be friends with Riley.

YEAH. NEW GIRL DOES'NT LIKE RILEY. NEW PROTAGONIST. SHAWL MEETS LOCKER, FROM DISNEY, NEXT SUMMER. That's why Girl Meets World is ending after this season, it's relaunching as a new series with this shawl girl who doesn't like Riley as the protagonist. This is my new favorite character. 

Maya is the best friend on the planet though. I don't think Riley could survive without her, I want a friend like that. Do you think Christian would take me in his arms and sing soothing melodies on the floor in front of the lockers? Vote now on your phones.

Actually he sort of did, when I was trying to get him to write that last review.

I need a minute to... process this...

Zay gets to fireman-carry Maya to class, which he no doubt enjoys, and for THE. FIRST. TIME. SINCE THE FALL OF ROME. Smackle and Farkle do a bit of physical humor without absolutely zero dialogue. We haven't seen that in over a thousand years. Our hero Jeff Menell wrote this episode, so thank you Jeff Menell. You did something new. Something new happened on this show. Thank you.

The health teacher is every health teacher from every sitcom, and the actor just barely made it to his audition in time after watching the first three episodes of the youtube series "Acting Lessons For Ages 13 And Over". 

Like every sitcom that ever had a health class scene, somebody has to faint. Here it's Farkle. I'm sure the people who love Farkle will think it's great, and that's great, but I think it's dumb. He was a hormone monster for like a year and a half, but a scientific diagram of a vagina is making him lose consciousness? This guy has probably seen more porn in his life than you or I would dare to dream of. I don't buy it.

They gave Topanga some long rant about control that I wasn't really listening to. She ought to be the first person to understand that you can't make everyone like you. Between Cory's Alternative Friends and Hair Today Goon Tomorrow, this Topanga doesn't make a lot of sense. But then, she rarely does on this show.

Riley doesn't want to learn about her period from the male gym teacher, which is completely reasonable, so, somehow, Cory replaces him for the job. 

This is where I take a break, because I can't keep going. I'm gonna go get some TEX MEX, like a GIANT ass thing of nachos with all the TOPPINGS. Yeahhhhhhhhh.

That's not mine but it's gonna be like that.

I'm back and I bought a new bottle of vodka because my other one is running out. It's another one of these episodes where they fuse TWO episodes together, Girl Meets Body and Girl Meets She Don't Like Me. Every single time I say that, I follow it up with "Maybe they'll tie it together in a neat way," but I don't think that's ever happened, so I'm not gonna say it this time. 

I'm amazed they got this censored bit on the air, but it's pretty damn funny.

I don't know why Cory is cringing at Smackle's graphic explanation of human reproduction, this is a man who loves booties and butts and bums. 

There's a group meeting to deal with the fact that my favorite character doesn't like Riley. I thoroughly enjoyed Smackle's attempt at changing the subject and everyone's reactions to it. The teenage existentialism of "we're all just specks" isn't enough to dissuade Riley though, and on this I actually appreciate her character. No matter how many times you tell me I'm insignificant in the universe and everything about me will be forgotten in a hundred years, I'm still gonna be pretty preoccupied with trying to have sex. It really is difficult to push past the "meaningless" stuff unless you're a fake tv character like Dr. Manhattan or Sheldon Cooper or Farkle. So yeah, I appreciate that that didn't fix Riley's problem.

I'm still not on board with Cory being uncomfortable about human reproduction, since, you know, 

BUT! I WILL SAY! That I appreciate seeing the flip side of Cory's coin. We're seeing him in a room where he doesn't magically have these answers and lessons and wisdom. In that way, he is very much like old Cory, and we all want that. 

Coach Vinetti comes back and has some wisdom about controlling your own body. That's not his real name, but when you look at him, you're pretty sure that's what his name should be. Looks like he caught the fourth episode of that youtube series on acting, look at that body language. So much pointing for enunciation. "Make good decisions about yourselves." Well thank you, I'm glad we stopped by.

Riley has a "Letting Go Ceremony" which is dumb because letting go is like, the hardest thing a human being has to do in this life, but whatever. It's time for the final showdown with my favorite character, who still doesn't have a name.

Okay Topanga sent my favorite character's entire family to fucking prison, why do I watch this show?

Can someone tell me why I watch this show?

Okay so let's recap. Maya is great. Maya's been great ever since her stupid "I'm Riley" arc ended. I think this should have been called Girl Meets Control, because that's what it was really about. And on that front, I don't know what we learned. That you have control over your own mind and body? Great, but maybe Riley should have learned not to annoy random strangers. It's true that not everyone will like you, and you should be who you want to be, but you should also recognize that having good social skills is valuable. 

I'm not waiting for Christian this week, happy Friday.

Sorry you're under the weather, Seanzi. I'm sure all the.... vodka helped. And was it really Skol? Yikes. What'd that cost, $7.99? Quality stuff. 

I'm actually enjoying a late night Bloody Mary myself though. 

Skol is the TRUTH man, I love it. Bloody Marys are good too though. 

Hey guys. Finally watching. I liked "I'll have to learn new names. I'm still learning Zay! It's 'Zay', right?" Although that doesn't bode well for his hopes of a burgeoning relationship between the two of them.

Okay, show, I'm going to stop you right here. I see what you're going for with this girl who doesn't like Riley. Or I think I do. If I was a betting man, I would bet that.... she never winds up liking Riley. No matter what Riley tries, and she'll be trying most of the episode. We'll end up with a moral that... not everyone's going to like you. And that's okay. Because it matters that you like yourself, or that the people you're closest to like you. And if you go around trying to make everyone like you, then no one will. I bet some version of that line will be said. So, I could turn out wrong, but I'm guessing (without finishing the episode) that you're going for that.

The problem is that you introduced this girl (who, by the way, just standing there radiates charisma, this girl's going places) by having Riley introduce herself to her, very strangely, but perfectly politely and not all that overbearingly (for her) and the girl responded by rudely declaring "I don't like her." This is a problem because... most people who don't like you don't behave that way. They're not outright villains who are cruel to your face upon first meeting you for no reason. 

Most people who don't like you probably had no strong opinion of you one way or another at first. But then they got to know you a bit, and your flaws irritated them more than your strengths endeared you to them. And that's what's hard to deal with. That's the thing that sucks. It doesn't suck when, like, Draco Malfoy doesn't like you. Because Draco Malfoy goes out of his way to be a tool and let you know he's a tool. Of course, he doesn't like you. Why would you even want him to?

I am, of course, all forced to point that there have been plenty of people who haven't liked Riley. Missy Bradford's one. Whoever who was actively bullying her in Season 2, that's another. Hell, Riley thought Shawn Hunter didn't like her. Remember that? She turned out to be wrong about that, but she thought it. Her father's own best friend, a grown adult, she thought actively didn't like her. And she was sad about it, but she kept it together. But this chick doesn't like her and she falls apart? Nope. Nope nope. 

Oh, look Lucas is carrying Riley to health class. Hey guys, you boyfriend/girlfriend? Because I literally have no fucking idea.

Wait, is Farkle fainting when the gym teacher says "Let's talk about your bodies" what you were complaining about, Sean? I don't think it matters that he's seen porn, I think it's a joke about him not liking this uncouth, bestial man talking about bodies. I don't think it's meant to imply the subject by itself would.... oh, nope, there he goes again. Yeah, I don't buy that. I don't even care about the porn angle. This is a textbook, Farkle as written would certainly not have a problem with the biological aspects of any of this. 

"You know what's the best about being the youngest? Nothing." That's lunacy. Babies are spoiled rotten. Babies are everyone's favorites. Babies never have to do the hard shit. Auggie's talking out of his ass. 

Most of what Topanga was up to in that scene didn't really feel like her. It felt like someone writing her, who only read a synopsis of what her deal was. But then again, the loosely defined nature of Topanga as a character even on BMW in comparison to the three male leads is well documented. I did like Danielle's delivery of "I'm the boss of this world."

Bunch of boring stuff about health class. Why is this so much about health class now? We got off topic. Don't make this about trying to control everything and show a bunch of things you can't control. Don't try to be "Things Change". You will lose. "Things Change" is excellent. 

Oh good, when Lucas smiles at Smackle she feels butterflies and when Farkle smiles it appears to disgust her. Funnnnnnnnnnnnn. If Lucas had brightly said "Not really." when Smackle asked if he liked her, it would have maaaaade my day.

Man, did I go through this episode hoping that the gym teacher would come back and have a redemption arc about how he may be coarse but he's a good teacher after all. Thank GOD.

I called this episode wrong, I guess, it was too unfocused to be about this (STILL NAMELESS?!) girl who doesn't like Riley. It's just about, like, kinda whatever. Riley's been fuming about this girl who doesn't like her, but we haven't seen her since the opening, I think, and meanwhile she's dealing with this health class situation which gets most of the airtime even though it doesn't seem to be what's bothering her. How are we not seeing more of the girl? Maybe because you made her a strawman and she has nowhere to go.

Oh good. Smackle had a sex dream about Lucas. Funnnnnnnnnnn. Did Cecelia Balagot butcher the signature "How ya doin'?" BMW/GMW line and assume it should be said like Joey Tribbiani? Or did she and the show deliberately do a Tribbiani "How you doin'?" Because that was a blatant Tribbianni. 

"Hi." "Yeah, still don't like you." "Well, I like you." MIC DROP. Except... no you don't. You couldn't possibly. She has no attributes other than her dislike of you. It's the only thing you know about her. It's the only thing any of us know about her. It's the only words she's said. She has no name. Because this is not a well written episode. Sorry, Jeff.

Oh no no no no no no no, what did you do? What was that ending? Oh god, guys. No, no, no, no. Not good. Also, undercuts the ending of the episode, which showed the girl warming up to Riley by her kindness. Oh god, what a mess.

Episode Rating: I'd have been a nice guy and given it a C before that ending. But that's borderline poisoning Morgan territory. And also I was bored silly, so, you know what? D+ for you.
Episode MVP: Crap, I dunno, dude who played the gym teacher. I'll be a champ and look it up - Brian Scalaro. MVP.

Episode Review: "Girl Meets The Great Lady of New York" (#3.13)

"What does she stand for?" "Because Kathy took her chair." That's clever, so I had to find out who wrote the script. It's our boy Jeff Menell, Mister And Then There Was Shawn. Mister The Eskimo. ...Mister... Meets World of Terror 2... Jeff Menell? More like... Jeff man, I'll... always be a fan.

Look we can't all be TALENTED WRITERS okay

"CREAM CHEESE". 

Topanga's talking to a character other than Auggie, which is just super neato. It's nice of her to make this Cuban food for Auggie's new friend who we'll never see again, but it's not much of a plot. 

Interim Analysis: The Seasons of Boy Meets World

Season 4 is the best season of Boy Meets World, we all know that. Except for someone who doesn't know that and put it second to last. This is where our story begins... Began... Last night...

Episode Review: "Girl Meets Bear" (#3.12)

Hey, it's Christian. 'Sup? 

Your mom.

Nobody likes you, SEAN. The real deal is back in town.

I love this opening. It's fun. It feels very Boy Meets World. Cory's love of tacos is back from "Shallow Boy", one of my personal favorite episodes. I had completely forgotten about that, and I just watched Shallow Boy now to check. Topanga even asks Cory if he's going to feed tacos to their future child, so it's actually a double whammy of a callback. Nice catch. Oh wow it actually goes further, Topanga says back in Shallow Boy "If that taco is more important than our child, this family has 'dysfunction' written all over it." Looks like that lesson stuck through the years. In general, real good world-building for this Paco's Tacos place. I really believed it was a place. We got a lot of good details and specifics about it. 25-cent tacos really are a good deal. I'd buy 40. Eat'm throughout the day.

It does feel very Boy Meets World. The girls are planning an adventure that has nothing to do with soul searching, or romance, or life lessons. If only we had had the wisdom, the foresight, to consider the appeal of such a situation. 

Cory and Maya wanting the same number of tacos was great. I can't tell if Cory's ability to express "eight and a half" as the perfect amount of tacos, but Maya was stuck between 8 and 9 was a joke referencing her inability to understand fractions. I'd like to believe it was, and if it is, it's very funny and it was nice they didn't call out. They make another joke about Maya not understanding fractions near the end, so I'm pretty sure it was. Mackenzie Yeager, man. She knows what she's doing. The Miguel Sapochnik of Girl Meets World. Except not directing. Shut up.

Riley becoming distraught over her own imagined three-legged puppy was great. "What, does he just fall over or what?"

Episode Review: "Girl Meets the Real World"/"Girl Meets Sassy Halter Top" (#3.11)

It opens up innocently enough, a fun and energetic 30 second debate between Farkle and Riley. I appreciate "And for extra credit, time does not exist" from Farkle, but I appreciate even more "I said what I believe, how can that be wrong?" from Riley.

You know that's a good question Riley, and if there's any justice in the universe you'll obtain a satisfying answer to it, because that's really one of the most annoying things about this show. Riley spouts happy dappy nonsense and generally faces no consequences. 

Episode Review: "Girl Meets I Do" (#3.10)

I honestly can't believe we got here this fast. Why did we get here this fast? It's like season 2 again where they frontloaded all the Shawn and Eric and then we didn't care about anything for the rest of the season. They could have actually used this time to sell me on Shawn and Katy's relationship, but no, we're diving in head first. That being said, their finger-trap was pretty adorable.

I enjoy Maya's casual, resigned pessimism. It resonates with me. Unfortunately, instead of wondering if Maya's fears may come true, I'm instead wondering how they'll convince Maya that she should never have worried in the first place. The Disney ending is a foregone conclusion. 

Eh, this didn't bother me. And I'll tell you why: 1) Maya's being silly, so it should be taken as a foregone conclusion that she'll be wrong. Cynicism is one thing, a believe that Life or the Universe is a sentient entity that's out to get her is not. 2) It's Shawn. This franchise would never allow Shawn Hunter to let her down. To do to her what so often was done to him. No matter how grim they played it, no one would buy it.

Episode Review: "Girl Meets Ski Lodge (Part 2)" (#3.09)

Hey folks! Been a while since you got me first, right? I'm coming to you.... from the paaaaaaast. I'm going to be on vacation in Northern California from Thursday until Tuesday, so I'll miss prime review time. So, since this is already up on Watch Disney, I'm writing this now. But you're reading this on Friday or Saturday or whatever. How's the future? How'd the Democratic Convention go? You guys getting amped about the Olympics?

This one's written by Aaron Jacobs, another son of Michael Jacobs. The one he wrote before was "Girl Meets Money" which got a B- from me, which could be worse for a Jacobs scion script. I wish I could keep MJ's sons straight. Like, I want to have instant recall of who wrote what, and I want to know how old they all are, and I want to know which one played Toddler Josh, and which one played the kid from Eric Hollywood. But there's no information out there I can see, and their generic biblical names make it hard to keep track. All in all though, their episodes tend not to be high water marks for the series. They have a habit of being really heavy handed in terms of BMW references, since I'm sure they've seen it all many times, but not being really good at getting the tone right or telling a cohesive story, probably because they are not actually qualified to be writing a TV show and are taking gross advantage of nepotism. "Girl Meets Cory and Topanga" comes to mind. 

I half wonder if MJ's just doing this show to give all his kids a first break into the industry. 

Anyway, Riley and Lauren Jr. (aka Evan) are talking and Evan thinks he wants to be a sherpa. He does not. Yes, sherpas help people climb Mount Everest. How do they do this? They do it by climbing the mountain first, without a trail established ropes or anything, and clearing and establishing a trail, and setting up all the ropes that are just sitting there waiting for Western climbers to use. They then RE-CLIMB THE MOUNTAIN with their clients while shouldering unimaginably heavy loads of equipment so the western climbers don't have to. It's an unbelievably grueling existence, that basically only natives can handle because their bodies are more naturally acclimatized to the high altitude. What Evan means is that he wants to be a mountain climbing guide. You don't have to do any of that kind of stuff, you just help your clients climb the mountain. 

Episode Review: "Girl Meets Ski Lodge (Part 1)" (#3.08)

WARNING: There really shouldn't be a need to say this, we all just want to have fun here, but do not post fucking spoilers in the comments. For fuck's sake, people. If you need to talk that badly about Girl Meets World, add each other on Skype, or go to a message board, or make a Discord channel, it doesn't matter. Don't post spoilers here. And don't waste a comment apologizing for doing it, just don't do it.

---------------------------------

This episode is daunting. I've seen people who consistently forgive the sins of this show describe their displeasure with it. Will I survive? Will Christian survive? Will I have to see another terror attack on the news tomorrow? 

The answer to at least one of those questions is yes.

If memory serves, Christian and I had a conversation as soon as the title "Meets Ski Lodge" was teased. We thought, "There's just no way." We believed, "It can't be the same lodge." But it is. Who cares, though, since Cory used the word "waif." 

Farkle and Smackle are endearing, but we'll see how long it takes for "We're smarter than you, but together" to get annoying.

I love Cory in this scene though, Ben's delivery is hilarious, the pointer breaking was unexpected, and I definitely appreciate "We had our plans, we had our blueprints..." because... they actually did.

This episode was written by Teresa Kale, who had no hand in Boy Meets World, so it's anyone's guess who had the idea to throw in that line. Probably Ben. But Rider and his brother directed this episode, so who knows.

Cory Cory Cory Cory Cory, slow down brother, slow down chief! CLEARLY, Cory does not read the writers' twitter! Otherwise! He would know! That it's not a triangle. God I'm sick of making that joke, but what am I supposed to do! The writers can't say something so stupid like that and expect me not to hound them about it.

They've done a respectable job recreating the set, which is cool. Apparently Riley fell off the bus, which is a callback to Cory falling off the bus, but not the fun kind of callback. It's the annoying kind. The trying too hard kind.

It's truly, truly unfortunate that the original ski lodge had that bay window, because now we have to hear about it. The script manages to catch me off guard a second time when Farkle adds "Maya Riley Lucas enough already" to the list of events, that gave me a good laugh. Seriously though he's right. Fucking enough. First Texas was the end, then Graduation, then Triangle, then True Maya, now fuckin what. Just tell me what, Girl Meets World, tell me what the next carrot is you're gonna dangle in front of your gullible audience.

What the fuck is this? Why are we still talking about the triangle? Michael Jacobs, I know you're better than this. I appreciate that you tried your best. You have my love and appreciation for bringing me Shawn and Eric a few more times in my life, I owe you for that. Thank you. But you've lost this war. You have lost to Disney Channel. I know this isn't your show, this isn't your vision. I'm sorry that you have to attach your name to this. Lucas even asks how to resolve it, LIKE WE DIDN'T WASTE AN EPISODE ON HIM REACHING A DECISION. He chose! Just tell them! Oh my god!

Arite, they confront Lucas about his decision, and they call him a coward. Lucas Friar is not a coward. The writers are cowards. Disney Channel execs are cowards. 

We get the second instance today of Lucas being like "I don't like this about you Maya," so I feel like some seeds are being planted, but I genuinely hope it's a reversal switcheroo and he ends up choosing Maya anyway.

"We should imagine what our lives would be like together." I have a question. Where are Alan and Amy Matthews? Either one of them would put this shit in the dirt. Long Walk to Pittsburgh for Amy, A Kiss is More Than A Kiss for Alan. And look, I get it, teenagers take this stuff way too seriously, we all did it. But the parents are supposed to be a foil here. That's what set Boy Meets World apart, was wise, competent adults. All the adults did in Meets Triangle was "OMG I wonder who he picks!!"

Oh this cannot be happening. A G-rated James Bond opening to advance Sabrina's singing career. Nice water gun, Lucas. I was already exhausted at the end of the song, but that's not actually the end. The only redeemable moment of this spy movie fantasy is Riley having her hair moussed backward. It looked cool and made me think she might be capable of portraying more emotions than the two Riley knows how to feel.

Hey there.

Oh it's still not over. This second part has a redeeming moment as well, the first time in a while that Maya making fun of Lucas actually felt natural, when she's mocking his accent. If Lucas doesn't love that, he's a complete tool.

Riley's fantasy future is a parody of overly dramatic romance movies, which is refreshing. I was afraid they would try to be sincere. Zay is in the background but we can't see who he's sitting with. Oh gobstoppers, it's Sarah. Probably the most interesting thing going on here, but we have to move on. Josh and Maya arrive as doctors to diagnose Riley with Gooey Sap Disease. I actually think it's hilarious, but it doesn't really help the story.

From Maya, back in real life, "We care about each other too much to let anything like that happen." Is that a FUCKING FACT, Maya? Is that a fact?! Then WHY did you make me watch it?! I'd love to make jokes about Yogi or Zay or something but I'm just fed up. I'm sick to death of having my time wasted by this show. Oh look, it's the male Lauren, and they steal the "ambient light" conversation too, go fuck yourself, Girl Meets World. 

This is like the last Hunger Games, or Twilight, there's just no earthly reason for it to be a two parter, but HARRY POTTER did it so now EVERYBODY'S GOTTA DO IT. Two parter for... fuckin... two parts for Bunk'd, where they bunk in one episode and then... don't bunk in the other. I quit.

(Seriously though why do Rider and Shiloh always have to direct the purest shit episodes?)

I also like the Cory business. I also didn't like Riley hurting her leg falling off the bus, especially since they really half-assed it. Cory realistically hobbled around and was in pain, people were a little concerned. Riley doesn't have a bandage, she barely limps, people aren't asking how she's doing, it's just an excuse to sit down in the window.

Man, I thought Josh didn't look any older than the rest of them before. To my eyes he now looks the same age as Farkle, and much younger than Lucas. It's very weird that he's a Freshman in college and they're Freshman in high school. While some of it is obviously Peyton Meyer, who will be turning 18 in a few months, being too old for Lucas, I actually do think Uriah Shelton is a rare instance of a teen character looking too young for his role. Josh is supposed to be 19, and Uriah actually is, but he looks more like 16/17. 

On a serious note, I know Uriah went through a pretty horrific accident which kept us from seeing Josh for this long, so I'm glad he seems to be doing better.

Um. You know what Smackle? Just break up with Farkle. You're obviously into every single other guy. Somewhere it's shifted between Smackle resenting Lucas "flirting with her" when she likes Farkle, to her wanting to jump his bones, and now Josh's bones. I'm not into Farkle or Smackle as a couple. Frankly I don't need either of those characters at all. It's been three years, but I just can't get behind Farkle. I feel like I care more about Lucas and Zay than him now.

I can't even with the triangle, and you kind of covered everything, and I'm probably going to be writing the Ski Lodge 2 review today since I'll be out of town next weekend, so I'm going to save my energy. It's exhausting though, and statements Riley's making about this time being DIFFERENT and NOW they're going to settle it feel like total bullshit. Even if it turns out to be true, which I have no faith in, it's bullshit that they had to assure us in the episode "No, seriously guys, this time we're settling it." He picks Riley. We know he picks Riley. At this point he's not even portrayed as into Maya anymore. It's Riley. Just do it. And the degree to which they have no shame about everyone talking about their business and watching their private moments. God, I hate these people. 

The only resolution that would satisfy me is them all just realizing they should be friends. And I think I'd enjoy this show more if the three of them were all just meeting new people and dating new people and talking to each other about them, and girlfriends and boyfriends would come and go. They need a BMW Season 2 period.

Okay, nope. Nope at all with Huckleberry Bond. God. It's not like I can pretend BMW didn't ever do this kind of thing, but it never felt this lame. And maybe it was just a different time, where it felt like that was stuff you did and now it doesn't feel like it's something you do. 

"Haha, there's Auggie as Cupid because we had to get him in." was a great line, but undercut by them using him in the Bond fantasy.

Oh, I guess Riley is wearing a boot thing. I didn't even see that until like the last minute. Still, they're not skiing, I don't believe she can't... walk around outside a bit. Maybe not hike up any treacherous paths, but she could get some nature in her. 

I swear to God, if that's Lauren's son...

Episode Rating: C-

Episode MVP: Ben Savage (his parts were the only good parts, though shoutout to Amir, since Zay was fun too, when he spoke those... 4 times he did)

I'm not enjoying Smackle either. It's like they just had a character summary passed to this writer that says "she's bad at social boundaries and niceties." But instead of sticking with her Asperger's they went to an equal but opposite extreme, where she's OVERLY forward. Idk. The girl in this episode does not have Asperger's.

And you're right, Zay is way better than Farkle right now. Farkle is just... nobody. They tried ONE TIME to make him relatable in Meets Money and it didn't work. 

Episode Review: "Girl Meets True Maya" (#3.07)

Michael Jacobs tweeted out that we should buckle up for this episode, which is just a terrible, awful sign. That's like locusts AND stubbing your toe all in the same day. 

Dark stuff.

I like that Riley sings about brushing her hair, but as always, I don't like that they had to make the audience laugh like six times with that one gag. You're all tired of hearing me say this, but I already dislike this. Riley has spent the last two weeks begging Maya to return to her old destructive self, and now that she allegedly has, Woahhhhhhhh, Riley didn't mean like that, not that kind of destructive!

Then what the hell did you mean, Riley? This is what you asked for. And you know, I'm not being fair with that question. I shouldn't be mad at Riley, this is not a poor reflection of Riley's character, and I have to stop holding this arc against her. It's just the writers having no idea what they're doing. 

At the very very least, Cory's lesson tying in with the plot appears to be incidental, and not puppet mastery. Two weeks in a row of Cory not disappointing me, this could be the start of something huge.

Oh my golly gosh it's Doy, but poor Topanga is once again relegated to babysitting. This poor woman, do you think she knew? Do you think it said in her contract that she would spend every scene trying to play off of child actors? Anyone with stage experience can tell you that your co-performers matter. Everyone loves Topanga when she can work with the energy from Ben or Rider or (especially) Will, but look at Danielle in this, she's dying out there! She's dying!

Pictured: Not living

I'm not making this up, watch this scene, literally every line of dialogue has a camera cut. Danielle directed this episode, she knew, she has to have it cut from Doy to Topanga on (I am not exaggerating) every line, because there is no way for her to naturally respond to this kid's lines in a single shot. 

Lucas does an accent here at Topanga's. It's hard to react to... Lucas isn't the "goofy" guy, why is he doing an accent? It's kind of funny though, in a "what the HELL?" kind of way, but I doubt that was their intention. Really really strange moment. There's no way that's a one off moment, it's too strange. (*EDIT* Wow, it was a one off, what the fuck?) God, come on Peyton. This guy teaches acting classes, is this what he's teaching? Are you teaching people this, Peyton?

Pictured: Not teaching

Riley comments that it's charming when he's bad at things, and that's true! I've been saying that since day one. But... maybe go for something that's not as stupid as Mortimer, the British Accent Man. Lucas just won't stop, and Rowan has to pretend it's funny. There's some acting.

It's pretty sickening that the trailer pretended this "Missing 100 Dollars" was actually important to the plot. I'm super glad it's not, but wow, that's... that's bad, dude. On the other hand, both of Riley's overreactions (the fire alarm and now this) have been extremely well delivered and genuinely funny. I think it's because she's getting her arms and posture involved, rather than just making a goofy face like usual.

On the third hand, it's pretty fucked up that Riley thought Maya would steal from her own mother. Maya is rightfully outraged and blames her friends for what's about to happen before storming off, possibly the most Shawn-esque exit of her life.

A police officer accompanies Topanga and the boys home because they couldn't afford another set. Doy yells "Doy" and I just don't care. Ugh... How did I end up here? How did I grow into this life where I sit here and tell you how I feel about a kid yelling "Doy" at a police officer? That's not who I wanted to be.

Pretty much.

Hahahah, this is the most unintentionally hilarious line in the series, it's just after the 11 minute mark. They're talking about Vesuvius in class again, Riley says "Because it's not!" and Cory just says "What?" Like what the fuck nonsense are you saying during my lesson Riley? It's a volcano, what do you mean it's not? And that supports the idea that Cory didn't manufacture this lesson to help the core four, so, yes, best line in the series.

He puts 2 and 2 together though and asks where Maya is, and we all learn she's cutting class. Cory doesn't seem to care much, which is great. The Core Four continue interrupting the lesson though, which is not great.

This Meeting of the Ruffians isn't very entertaining, but they dicked us again with the trailer. The similar outfits and fucking framing made it deliberately look like Maya smashed the statue in the trailer. That's not clever marketing, that's lying. They knew this episode was bad so they had to lie about its content in the trailer to get people to watch it. 

Okay let's not mince words. Maya threatening to absolutely destroy these girls is pretty awesome. The dialogue is still too Disney, like if there weren't the physical threat of violence, if it were just the dialogue... well that's what I expected, to be honest. I don't know how in a zillion years they got this approved but well fucking done. With the brick and the hammer, just like Marx intended. Jacobs told me to buckle up, and I didn't, and I should've.

Maya claims to know who she is now. I still don't, but there's a few minutes left in the episode, so if we find out at some point, I'm gonna call it a win.

This cop is way too involved in these people's lives. We don't need the charade, the audience is not fooled, we know Maya did something nice to the park and we're getting set up. Let's crank it down from a full 10 to like a 3, okay mister police man?

 As usual  I could do without the crying, but I'm happy to wrap up this storyline. I'm not being a shitter when I say this, I honestly don't know what progress Maya has made in this arc. Or since the beginning. She hasn't done anything super bad as long as we've known her. So... yeah, she's still not doin' it. And her clothes... might be different? There's too many zig zags and loops in her portrayal, I still don't know who the true Maya is, other than that she isn't a vandal. 

And it's certainly done nothing to change the triangle, I mean if I'm Lucas, I'm seeing this street art done by a girl who just went to bat with a hammer and a brick and I'm like damn girl, I'ma buy you a ice cream. 

Yeah actually Lucas does seem impressed. It's not a triangle though, seriously.

So yeah, there's some funny moments and Maya being about to murder some girls was awesome, but I've never been on board with this idea from the beginning. I never understood why the True Maya needed to be found, and now that we've allegedly found her... who is she? Is cutting class True Maya or not? Is liking Lucas True Maya or not? All I know is that breaking a statue isn't True Maya, but then, I never thought it was. 

First of all - no comment on the police officer's actor? Did you really not recognize him? That's Reginald VelJohnson, best known as Officer Carl Winslow from Family Matters and Officer Al Powell from Die Hards 1 and 2. This guy is is chubby black workaday beat cop extraordinaire over here. It's like getting Liam Neeson to play a grizzled ex-spy. It's what the man does. I can forgive you somehow never having seen Die Hard (although, you should, the first is fantastic) but this is a TGiF spinoff man. If TGiF were a deck of cards, Full House would be the King and Boy Meets World the Jack, with Family Matters in between as the Queen. Nevermind that it was so bad it made Full House look good. 

I guess Step by Step, maybe, is the 10. Maybe Sabrina. Teen Angel is the one the instructions are printed on.

Christian stopped writing there and will continue soon.

So, I like that this episode will explore the downside to Riley's deciding she doesn't like that Maya exhibited character growth in the last year and wants to revert her to how she was when she was in middle school - namely, that, Maya was a delinquent in middle school and there's a reason she changed in the first place. But, since this all ties into this weird Maya-was-Riley nonsense plot that I despise, I'm using "like"  very loosely. 

Rowan's pretty funny in this fire alarm exchange. Too bad Riley is on my ENEMY list.

Aw, hey Doy. I like Doy. He's a cutie pie! More Doy, less Ava. Although Ava's been bugging me less too. That said, I don't need to see any of them. 

Oh, yeah, Lucas' voice sucks. That whole part sucked. What was that? That was a British accent? It sounded German....ish. 

You know who might as well not even be on this show sometimes now? Farkle. Has he had a storyline this entire season?

Okay, so is it just me, or did Katy go at those kids WAY too suspicious? Given the circumstances, and Maya's constant taunting that she's about to commit some mayhem, I don't necessarily blame Riley for jumping to the conclusion Maya stole the money - it's not like Maya's never stole shit - but Katy just waltzed up to them like "Who stole my money?" Why would you assume it's one of them? When she clearly hasn't even looked hard enough yet to determine it's not just misplaced. It's New York City. Anybody could have robbed you. It doesn't have to be an inside job. No offense, Katy, but you're a bit of a numbskull, as evidenced by the fact that you just lost the money yourself. I would not be surprised if you were robbed when manning the shop alone.

Yeah, dumb Doy story. Nice to see REGINALD VELJOHNSON though. Eh, Sean? REGINALD VELJOHNSON.

So, this whole business with Maya is bizarre. Most people who get up to the sort of mischief that Maya's doing... don't go about it this way. They do it because they're not really thinking, they do it because they're egged on by friends, and, above all, they do it because they think it's fun. This scene of Maya slinking off to an abandoned part of town in the dead of night and solemnly and contemplatively taking out a firecracker and a brick and a hammer and spraypaint one by one is just.... absurd. She's acting as if she's taken some sacred vow to commit vandalism even though she hates it. No one's asking her to do this. She doesn't seem to want to. She's taking it uncomfortably seriously. The writers just feel increasingly tone deaf on how kids act and why they do anything. 

Commercial-time. Are we really at the point where Ice Age movies are taking place in space? How the hell many of these are there now? I think I was in middle school when I saw the first one in theaters (the only one I've seen), and I loved it. Because it was about the fucking Ice Age. I just looked it up, and the Ray Romano mammoth, who was widowed in the first movie, has now gotten remarried to Queen Latifah, had a kid, and the kid is now an adult and gets married in this one. So.... maybe it's time to put the Ice Age franchise to rest.

Oh, and then she runs into her old crew. Because she had an old crew when she was 11, I guess. And they always hang out in this one shitty park that includes a repair shop. Ugh. This kind of stuff worked better on Boy Meets World which took place in a suburb. None of these kids feel like they live in Manhattan, and it's frequently seemed like this taking place in Manhattan gets in their way. 

Ugh, and this "Oh YEAH? Well, if you're so evil, eat this kitten!" shit is just the lamest. No one acts like this. They're so fucking serious and quiet and whispery about this. 

Oh, great she painted "Hope" instead. Can I go home now? P.S. Still can't do that, Maya.

Episode Rating: D (Just excessively overwrought and boring and not funny and tone-deaf to how people act and has to do with a plot I hate anyway)
Episode MVP: Rowan Blanchard (Sorry Sabrina, you were too maudlin and killed your scenes, Rowan at least brought some sparkle to hers)

I don't think I like this show.

Episode Review: "Girl Meets Upstate" (#3.06)

I have some leftover pizza, so this is going to be enjoyable no matter what. It's all about hedging your bets, people. 

We've managed a direct pickup after last episode's cliffhanger, which is extremely rare in television. I appreciate this, Girl Meets World. Unfortunately, we're picking up somewhere I didn't want to be in the first place. Riley is still being the most condescending friend in the universe. Yes, even more condescending than Xarak'nar on planet Alpha 6-3e.