Episode Review: "Girl Meets a Christmas Maya" (#3.18)

Wait, PURPLE font, whaaaaaat? I know, I know. I've been tardy. Just be glad I'm here at all, I tried to quit but Sean wouldn't let me. Also, I updated "Hollywood" quite a bit, so check that out. Oh yeah, I remember you. Name's Crimson, right? Cribbage? Crabcakes? It's one of those.

But let's not go crazy. Sean's still the lead singer these days. 

Pictured: photorealism 

I'll be singing back-up vocals from here on out, except the last episode. I'll do a real review for that, and I'll even start it off. And I get to do that because while I've bequeathed the company to Sean to run, I maintain my seat as Chairman of the Board. I may have mixed my metaphors.

But I'm going to write some errant thoughts down:

Don't get me wrong. I'm not an idiot. I knew Shawn wasn't going to be in this episode. But that's because I'm fairly plugged into the comings and goings of the cast of this show. If I was a civilian just watching this episode, I would kinda feel like they built it up that Shawn would be here to spend his first Christmas with Maya, since he was brought up as being a part of her issues here. I am an idiot, I didn't know, and now you've ruined Christmas. Or maybe Rider ruined it by not wanting to be here. 

Maya's scared that her Christmas might still suck. This is standard Michael Jacobs fare because it sort of falls under the "learn so much ... still be so stupid" umbrella. Shawn consistently proves to her that he's going to make shit awesome. She consistently learns to be excited about having Shawn around, that her life is going to be better. But now she still doubts it. So yes, the theme is consistent, but I would much rather have progress than consistency.

Ultimate boyfriend Lucas ran away from his girlfriend's Secret Santa. Okay.

Topanga finishes reading The Gift of the Magi to Ava and Auggie, only she got a rare misprinted copy where the ending is at the front.

I find it totally acceptable and okay that Zay wouldn't know Smackle well enough to know what to get her. She's only kind of in their group, she usually doesn't hang out with them, Zay wasn't there in Season 1 to be a part of how they got to know her, and she didn't even go to JQA so he probably has only spent four months of real time with her. I like Farkle explaining the theremin. Being enthusiastic about a quirky bit of knowledge is what makes the nerd archetype lovable. Like Christian explaining soap operas in the previous review. More of this, less of whatever we've been getting lately. But Farkle not knowing Zay well enough to know what to get him rings false. They've spent a lot of time together, and Lucas, Farkle, and Zay are a unit. Hell, I feel like I know Zay well enough to get him something he'd like. Dude likes cookies. Get him some cookies. Actually, call up his grandma, explain that Riley ate his cookie and try to get her to send one more.  Get your billionaire father, with his private jet, to fly her out even for a visit. That would be an amazing gift. Asshole. This was easy. Yeah that would have been an amazing gift. I do like the idea of Farkle being a hypocrite on his own self righteousness about knowing people in the group, you know, having this flaw that clearly upsets him. But like you said it just can't work with their history.

Also, while any episode without Lucas is a gift from the heavens above, this was a weird one for him to miss. Like, he could've missed last week's no problem. But the group's Secret Santa episode ought to have him in it, and as the lynchpin of the LZF trio, he's probably a good person for Farkle to talk to about his indecision about what to get Zay. 

So Riley wants Maya to go home and Ava is having a (more than likely) placebo-effect sugar rush. Please make it stop. I have no tolerance for this.

Also, can I figure out the rest of the Secret Santas based on the info I have? Probably. Riley has Farkle, Farkle has Zay, Zay has Smackle, Smackle has Maya. So, either Maya has Riley (which seems like a thing they'd have happen in this episode) or, if Riley really is making Lucas do it, then Maya has Lucas and Lucas will get Riley. But that seems unlikely. That would Lucas would be significant in this episode and not be in it. 

Riley throws some glitter and declares it's time for a miracle. Funny. She does some dramatic Riley-ness to introduce her new living room production, "A Christmas Maya." Funny. If Ava Morgenstern ever played me in a touching dramatized account of my Christmas-past, I would never be able to recover my sanity. It has to be Martin Freeman or I would never sign over the rights.

Christian says at the end that Rowan was good but not particularly good.  I didn't mean she's not particularly good, I meant, for her, this was nothing unusual. She's as good as she ever is - which has become the best of the kids, in my opinion. So, since she wins all the time, and she did nothing she doesn't normally do, I went with someone else. I think she's been amazing with this Riley weirdness. You can't really script that stuff, you know? The best you can do is write that Riley does some overly dramatic gestures and throws glitter, and then Rowan takes it from there. 

Wait, there was a Christmas when Maya was little where she didn't get a single toy? I call shenanigans. They weren't that poor. You can get some simple toys for like 8 bucks at Walgreens. Katy could scrape together 8 bucks. Shows and stuff always show poor kids getting nothing for Christmas, and always rings false. No, they can't get that new video game console or a new racing bike, but you get something. 

BAHAHAHA. Zay getting Smackle a book on etiquette is HILARIOUS. Yes, it's absolutely a mean gift, and kind of a dick move, but I'm sorry, Smackle is rude and obnoxious and deserves to be called on it. Also, Farkle way overreacted with Riley's gift. That actually seemed pretty thoughtful and was about him, and he totally spazzed. No one said he shouldn't be celebrating Christmas, and he knows Riley better than to accuse her of that. She just thought, during the holidays, he may want some symbol of his newfound Jewish ancestry. He's acting like she drew a swastika on his locker. Farkle is an absolute moron here. 

It's Farkle who was the worst gift-giver in my opinion. Smackle's so out-of-touch she may have genuinely believed Maya would like a broken clock she can fix for fun. I love Smackle's gift for Maya. The symbolism of "you can fix it yourself" is not at all trivial. I think that's awesome. And Zay's gift, at least, was about Smackle and is something she could use -- she acknowledges her difficulty in social interaction and has shown a desire to improve this. (Though, I acknowledge, a gift pointing out her flaws is maybe not a great choice for a Christmas gift. To quote Amy Matthews, that may be better as a gift for, like, a Tuesday.) Farkle, on the other hand, knows perfectly well Zay wouldn't like that gift and if he doesn't he should get out. It's just a gift Farkle would like. Shut up, Farkle. You haven't had anything to do all season, and let's keep it that way. It's funny that they combined Magic The Gathering, D&D, and Settlers of Catan for the game name though. That's the trifecta, baby. 

Pictured: Happiness

The gift exchange fades out with Farkle commenting that they don't really know each other at all. I maintain that Smackle knows the fuck out of Maya and gave her an awesome gift. 

Yeah, I bet you feel like a REAL dingus after Riley touchingly explained what your present meant, DON'T YOU, Farkle? You jackass. That was obviously not an insult. Does Riley go around insulting people? Shut up, Farkle. Riley's explanation is satisfying, but I don't really see what it has to do with a menorah. Get him, you know, "Learn to read Hebrew" or something. Also, your explanation to Zay about your gift sucks. The answer is, yes, that was a gift you'd want. Your idea of including Zay is to force him to do the shit you wanted to do anyway? I think a way to include Zay and not make him feel alone is to let him know you know who he is, and maybe try to do something he'd want to do. "It takes 17 years to play" is hilarious though. 

Oh, and Jesus Christ, Zay just wins the best Present of the Century award. Damn, that's a good gift, considering her situation.  Hell, I didn't mind it before I knew he'd edited it. And that's from a guy who doesn't know her very well. Besides Smackle, the rest of those assholes were struggling with gifts for people they knew. Zay rocks, you guys. ZAY IS THE MOST ROMANTIC MAN I HAVE EVER HEARD OF. OH MY GOD DUDE. I think that just got me pregnant.

There should not be an ounce of contention left over which of LFZ is the best. All you Farkle fans, I need to hear from you in the comments. Explain it to me. At this point, Farkle is my least favorite of the trio. Lucas is lame, but innocuous, and he's nowhere near as bad now that all the romance stuff is done. Farkle is actively irritating. 

Yeah, Smackle's explanation was pretty easy to figure out. It's fine. Little on the nose, but fine. My first guess about the symbolism was a bit off, but yeah, I like this too. 

You know how you prevent this from happening? You put a card on the gift. Like everyone on the planet does. "Hey Smackle, I saw this book and it was wrong in a lot of places, so I fixed it for you. Merry Christmas from Zay" and then nothing gets thrown across the room. 

Cory and Auggie doing a Chet and Shawn impression, only Shawn is portrayed like Fonzie, wins the episode. But, like, where's Shawn? Because... and hear me out on this... I actually think Shawn may do a better job of explaining what Shawn's Christmases were like than Auggie can. Still, I would have liked some direct references to Shawn's Christmases growing up. "Hey boy, lost my job again. Here's an old basketball net. Go get some charity from the Matthews." or Zay and Farkle coming in as those mobsters from "Easy Street" and trying to get Shawn to run drugs for them to buy presents. I agree, but I like to think that someone in the cast or staff has had that "cheese log" line in their pocket since season one of BMW. 

YES YOU'RE VERY MOVING, GIRLS MEETS WORLD. YOU'RE VERY EMOTIONAL, I GET IT, THANK YOU.

NEW GAME: GUESS THE STOCKINGS:
The swan is Riley's because she saw it and named it "Swany" it was her new best friend and she had to have it.
The Santa that looks like The Flash is Cory's because YOU HAVE TO HAVE SANTA ON CHRISTMAS, TOPANGA!
The owls and pears is obviously Topanga's because her weird hippie parents gave it to her as a kid.
The drummer boy/nutcracker is Auggie's because it's the dumbest and also by process of elimination.
Four points to Sean, I win.
Yeah, no, you're right. The bird one is a total "Mom" stocking, leaving the swan to Riley by default as the other "girl" stocking, and of the two "boy" stockings of Santa and nutcracker, I think Santa going to Cory (the gift-giver) and nutcracker (who looks like a Little Drummer Boy too) going to Auggie makes most sense. I think you got it. 

Oh, and right at the end there Riley turns glitter into butterflies and we discover she's a witch. On her way to Hogwarts. Sorting Hat says... Hufflepuff!

Episode Review: B-
Episode Rating: Hmm. Rowan was good, but not particularly good, and she wins this a lot. Nothing about Sabrina struck me much. Cheryl wasn't in it much. Amir Mitchell-Townes, I think. 

Like I said I thought Rowan was great with the weird physical Riley-ness, but Amir takes it for me too. The ending is really significant for you to not have mentioned though. This idea of Maya not having to rely on the Matthews anymore is satisfying. I'm glad we got that in here before the end of the series. Nothing about Maya's storyline did anything for me. As you said, I feel like we've covered this ground so many times it barely registers to me when they do it again. 

The episode was mostly enjoyable, but they definitely could have done better with the Secret Santa. And you really need Lucas for something like that. And you really need Shawn for the other half of the episode. I mean damn, "Let's do a big friendship episode, but one of the friends isn't there. And let's talk about Maya's new life with Shawn and Shawn's old life but Shawn won't be there." It's no good. Skip having Shawn in "Meets True Maya" and put him in here. What? Shawn wasn't in "True Maya"... are you thinking of "Upstate"? He's only been in two episodes this season, "Upstate" and "I Do" both of which had to have him. So if you only get three, and one has to be the finale, they did make the right calls... the issue is just doing what it takes to get Rider to do more. Yeah, I meant Upstate. I was thinking that I'd rather have Shawn in this episode than do the whole "learning to wear the leather jacket again" crap from Upstate, but damn, he proposed in that one didn't he. I guess that does require his presence more than this one does.

Episode Review: "Girl Meets Hollyworld" (#3.17)

This whole time Sean's had this episode titled "Girl Meets Hollyworld" rather than "Hollywood" and y'all jokers didn't notice. I'm leaving it up as proof. I'll change it tomorrow. Joke's on you, joke-joker, that's the right name. If this is the case, then the joke absolutely is on them. I like it, it still has "girl meets world" in the name, if you cover up the Holly part. You say that like having the name of the show in the episode title is of some inherent benefit.

It's almost Thanksgiving and I am thankful for Mackenzie Yeager. The Yeagermeister. That's the only pun you'll get out of me tonight, so cherish it.

Yeah, like that. 

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Apparently blogger has joined the 21st century by finally encoding native emojis, which is exactly what this blog has been missing, let me tell you. You can stop flooding the comment section begging for emojis, and I can finally end my hunger strike, because here they are. 

And yes. It's got the poop one.

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We're gonna need that one. 

Or maybe not, who knows, the rest of the season looks pretty good. I'm stalling.

What was it Shawn wanted to bring back? Reckless spontaneity? Maya might have listened.

So this kidnapped woman is actually sort of an iceberg, she's played by Deborah Lemen who is seemingly nobody. I actually wrote a whole thing here originally because imdb is wrong. The actress is in fact Stephanie Lemelin. I didn't double check until I was done with the episode, and I think I would have enjoyed it more if I'd known from the start. She's done voices for a few video games that I love, and a couple good cartoons. 
It's not easy to watch though. I can't stand her accent and the story is going nowhere, let's pleaaaaaase move it along.

I liked the line "Have you always had that lady?" Otherwise, I think they're a little too joke-y glib-y in the opening. Like, instead of it naturally being fun, it's a lot of "Oh boy, aren't WE having fun? Look at how we're talking about this wacky situation!"

And yeah, they sure don't seem in a big hurry to explain why Maya kidnapped her or what's going on. And Riley doesn't seem too curious about why Maya did it either. For an episode about kidnapping, I suspect this episode will be short on plot.

And yeah, this accent? No, no, no. Better not have to listen to this the whole episode. Betttttter not. 

I like the idea of these early scenes from Topanga's perspective. She's just reading on the couch, Riley and Maya walk in and say "How good a lawyer are you?" and Topanga answers and they walk out of the house and go to Maya's house for a bit, then come back into the house maybe an hour later, Topanga's still reading, Riley's like "Really? Never lost a case, huh?" she confirms it, Maya says "Haha!" like Nelson from the Simpsons, and they walk back out of the house.

I like it because there's nothing else to like here. This sucks so far. Hard. They're stalling soooooo aggressively. It's like 5 minutes in, and we don't know what the deal is.

I thought "I'm laughing because what on Earth is my father going to put on the board for this one?" is a funny line, but then they literally went to school in the next scene. What is it, the next day? Did they do all that, including three trips to Maya's from Riley's just in the morning before school? In high school, I barely had time to grab my books and give myself a look and make it to the corner to see the BUS DRIVE BY. But it's alright, because I was saved by the bell. 

Oh, and then so what? They go through the whole day? This lady just let her kidnapped an entire day? Where's Katy or Shawn? SCREAM, lady. Enough's enough. 

Okay Maya kidnapped her to make sure Katy gets a part in a movie. ("Okay, so, now that you've aided me while I kidnapped this woman for an entire day, let me tell you why we did it since you haven't asked.") Look I'm totally up for shenanigans. Shenanigans are the fuel that runs the Meets World engine. But I don't think even season 7 Eric ever went this far. 

Oh, there's Katy. Welcome to your fucking house, lady. Waltzing in, taking new fountains in your daughter's room like a champ.

My favorite part about the episode is where the audience laughs every time Anastasia said something. You know, because she said it with a ridiculous French accent? Don't you like it? Please respond.

Guys you're not gonna believe it! She switched to a ridiculous southern accent! Don't you like it? Please respond.

Hey Katy and whosit are old friends, the lore is just so rich on this show. 

Riley and Maya are carrying this episode pretty hard so far. The story is... off the rails... but Yeager has maintained her ability to make the two leads a joy to watch. I loved them flipping out at the revelations. I also like

If it doesn't turn out that "Anastasia" portmanteau'd her fake last name "Boulangerie" out of "bologna" and "lingerie," I'm gonna riot in the streets.  "Boulangerie" is the French word for "bakery". Anastasia Bakery. Didn't have to look it up, I've been to France. Where would you be without me? I bring CLASS to this outfit. *edit* She didn't, I'm disappointed, but life goes on. *end edit* Regardless, the one interesting throughline so far is the question of just how far Riley is willing to go to stay by Maya's side, which is the sort of compelling question that we expect from Meets World. And it looks like Katy and Bobbie Joe went splitsville despite once being as close as Riley and Maya. 

It's weird how Katy is now Katy Hunter but Maya is still Maya Hart. We've finally gotten around to establishing that Clutterbucket is Katy's maiden name and Hart is Kermit's name. And Kermit is garbage and Maya has no connection to him. If Katy switched, you'd think Maya would switch. I figured the only reason Katy was keeping Hart was professionally, but apparently not. 

Instantly Riley asks the question I was dreading, "how can this happen to best friendsssssssssssssss" blah blah blahhhhhhhhhh disney magiccccccccccc shut up. Like, has Riley just never HEARD of two best friends becoming distant? This one event has shattered her belief in best frienditude? Come onnnnnnnnn. Especially since she's seen evidence of it. Cory and Shawn never had a falling out, but by the beginning of GMW they'd grown apart and she was aware of that. Also Jack told her how estranged he'd grown from Rachel. 

Wohoah let's calm down there, lioness. Little less talk a little more rock you know what I mean? Little less fight a little more spark. 

Half of that was right. I don't listen to Elvis. Speaking of Elvis, I'm taking Farkle showing up in that costume and they're like "You're keeping the costume?" and he's like "What costume?" as a shout-out to the kid in the cape from "Cory's Alternative Friends." I'd much prefer if Farkle was that kid's son. That was just a really good bit. "I gotta ask. Every day you come to school in a cape. Always a cape. What's the deal with the cape?" "What cape?" That's hilarious. I wonder if that aired earlier than the Seinfel cape episode. I checked, it DID. It aired a season earlier. So, they didn't rip Seinfeld off with that as I always assumed. Good on you BMW. 

Here are some clips from the Seinfeld cape episode. 

I'm glad this movie director is asking a group of kids where a missing famous movie star is. That's smart. That's clean detective work. Take notes, Officer Yogi's Dad (Yogi's dad is named Officer Yogi, so it sounds like you're asking Grandpa Yogi to do it, which is sad, because Grandpa Yogi is dead), cuz you don't know what you're doin.

I remember this guy who plays Sarah's dad from a minor role in an episode of The West Wing. He was much less hairy and looked young and fit and vital. Time comes for us all. But he's good in this. I like his delivey of "Also because... we can't find the other one." and "I mean, I was just gonna look around, but hey!"

Sarah wrote a screenplay, meta humor, blah blah blah, really would like to move on with the story please. 

Whoa, whoa, whoa. We just learned Sarah's whole backstory and deal, and that's all you got? Sarah! Your girl Sarah! What HAPPENED to you? Also, Sarah's last name has been previously established as being "Carpenter" (her real last name) and now her father's name is D.W. Kreminger. Probably Sarah's folks are divorced and Kreminger primarily lives in California and it's enough of a break that Sarah goes by Carpenter, but she and her dad are cool. But jeez, Sarah. Maya goes by her dad's last name and she's barely met the dude. I'm all up in arms about last names and dads today.

Okay, if we're keeping a running list of good stuff here, let's add Topanga being relevant in some capacity other than a mother. Cory is relevant as both teacher and father in every episode, while Topanga is just the mother 99 times out of a hundred. So here we go, lawyer Topanga, that's great. Ava and Doy are nowhere to be seen. As an aside, fuck Doy. That kid's been on Shameless two weeks in a row. That is not a show for him. His... his mom would not want him watching the show that he stars in. And I hate him. And he sucks. Jeez, get off his back, he's adorable.

I don't know you guys. Maya lucked out of a serious fucking crime on the one in a billion chance that the kidnapee was childhood best friends with her mother. That is not compelling writing.

Not just that they'e childhood best friends, but that Anastasia would be SO fucking cool with this. If my childhood best friend's child kidnapped me for days (and it's been two days at this point, we've had a wardrobe change, and we've had two school days) I don't care what unresolved history we have, I'm calling the police and they're all going to prison. You hear that CHARLIE from MADISON ELEMENTARY And EDISON MIDDLE SCHOOL? You're on notice. 

 It sounds like a soap opera honestly, like I'd see it on the cover of Soap Digest in the checkout aisle, "Anastasia secretly childhood best friends with WHO??? WE GOT THE TELL ALL FROM THE ACTORS, YOU WON'T READ IT ANYWHERE ELSE."

Hey, Sean, wanna see something? From top to bottom the characters on that magazine arrreeeee... Steve and Kayla Johnson (of Days of our Lives), Rex Balsom (of One Life to Live), Zach Slater & Kendall Hart (of All My Children), a woman I don't know, Marcie & Michael McBain (of One Life to Live), and Max Brady (of Days of our Lives).

Yeah, I used to watch soap operas growing up, most only off and on but I religiously watched Days of our Lives for a period of about 15 years, stopping when they killed off my favorite character, Jack Deveraux, at which point I was, like, an adult and was kind of over it. Because make no mistake, they'e usually not great. Fun fact, that woman Kayla up there at the top? Big deal. My numbers may be slightly of here, but only slightly - in 1986 the name 'Kayla' wasn't even in the top 500 female baby names. In 1987, a year later, it was in the top 5. You know what happened? That character came on Days of our Lives. Isn't that nuts?

Anyway, there you go. New information about Christian. Back to our show!

Oh good, teenage wisdom about REAL best friends. I just don't wanna hear it. The hallmark of Boy Meets World was that Shawn and Cory don't know shit. I'm so sick of hearing wisdom from teenagers. I'M SO SICK OF IT. 

When Shawn proposed to Katy, did he know that she used to be a Possum Trotter? Is this what gets Shawn going these days? I'm sure he's seen a few private performances of this Trot. Objectively it's pretty great, more backstory for Katy is welcome any time, it's just really silly. 

Bologna Joe does not, in fact, betray everyone after being uncuffed like I thought she would. So we have to watch more Possum Trotting and to be perfectly honest I don't know why.

Topanga throwing in that line "You could have lifted up that radiator anytime you wanted to, I wouldn't call this a kidnapping." felt very much like a last minute addition because someone on the writers staff was like "Hey, um, guys. So, Maya and Riley kidnapped someone in this episode." and they decided to throw in a line like "See? It wasn't a kidnapping! Maya and Riley don't kidnap! You can still like them!"

Who doesn't love boots though. Whoooooooo doesn't. 

Cheryl is ridiculously attractive, is the point I'm trying to make. That's true. I was thinking about being subtle, doing my own little trot around the issue, but you know, subtlety, this is Girl Meets World Reviewed on Blogspot. It's not Hemingway.

Fooled you, that's not Hemingway either. Not me. I've been to Hemingway.

Maya informs us that friends are supposed to be friends because she has literally never heard of friends growing apart before today. It's dumb, I'm sorry. 

You know what was cool about Cory during the breakup and marriage arcs? Cool but also annoying, was that whenever Topanga brought up divorce statistics or all the odds against them, Cory just doesn't care. He is so completely solid in believing in his relationship, and while it wasn't logical, I totally respect him for believing in something. Nothing (except Lauren for like five minutes) in the world could shake Cory's belief that he would always love Topanga, and always love Shawn, and nobody else in the world matters. But it seems like every other god damn episode of this show is like
Girl 1: Oh my GOD what if we're not FRIENDS FOREVER
Girl 2: Oh GOD, you're RIGHT, what IF. 

There's a bit of poking fun at Lucas and Zay which is great, they've been in a very comfortable place for the last handful of episodes. I don't know why we bothered pairing up Riley and Lucas if it would never matter, but fine.

Do you guys wanna hear me do a pitch perfect impression of Anastasia's French accent? 

So I guess Katy is getting the part in a movie because this is Disney channel and it is literally illegal to show a struggling actress or musician fail on this channel. They must always succeed, every show, every time, no matter what. Did Katy earn it? Who cares! Maybe! She's in her forties! Eh, no, I don't think she's in her 40s. I mean, Shawn's not. Cory and Topanga aren't. And Cheryl Texiera's only 34. And wait until she sees what you just said about her! That's not how life works! I'll give them a pass on this one. For one thing, Katy's established as having been struggling to make a living as an actress Maya's entire life. That's a long time. Success in acting has not come easy for Katy, we just haven't seen the failures on-camera. For another thing, this story is literally about her. 

Okay I'm wrong, it's possible. It's just so Disney Channel that it bothers me.

For some reason Cory asks Maya to tell us about her life and she says some shit I don't know, the most important takeaway from this episode is Zay Whaaaaat?

God I love Zay. I really do. He's great. Remember when we didn't like him? He's now my favorite character that wasn't in BMW probably. Granted, that still puts him behind like everyone from BMW. Besides Jack. And Harley. And Angela. And Minkus. And Jennifer. So, okay, he's doing well. 

HEY! What happened to Zay liking Maya?! They totally dropped that too! God, this show sucks with romances.

You know what I would have done? I would have had Farkle get the part of Lucas, or vice-versa. Hell, that's just what I would have made the plot of this episode about. Lucas and Farkle audition for their own parts in a movie and both get cast, but in the opposite role. And Lucas is insecure about it, and Farkle is cocky about it, and they both have to learn each other's mannerisms.

I don't know what to say, this episode is super weird. The ending tried to pretend that some revelation was made between Riley and Maya but... what's new exactly? They're going to stay friends? We knew that since the Pilot episode. So in that regard, I can't really say that I care too much, there wasn't any character development in Riley or Maya at all. Anastasia herself annoyed the crap out of me, but Katy is a cool character and we got to do a bit of world building with her. So that's good.

I just have no idea what the takeaway is here. You can still do your old best friend a favor if you're rich and famous? You can turn your shitty screenplay into a movie as a teenager because of the rampant nepotism in Hollywood? That second one is that real shit, I wasn't ready for that level of commentary on the industry. It's kind of sad actually, Sarah the person is probably only here because of her sister, and Sarah the character only got her screenplay produced because of her father. Oops.

Happy Thanksgiving. Christian wants to write a screenplay where Frankie goes on a cross country trip to reconnect with his father Vader who is sort of dying in actual real life. Pester him to get it finished and email your suggestions to him at *redacted*

Well, more accurately I just kind of want one to be made. I don't really have any ideas for it. 

This wasn't very good.

Episode Rating: C-

Episode MVP: Rowan Blanchard, I didn't really talk about it, but she was great.

Episode Review: "Girl Meets Her Monster" (#3.16)

I was having a pretty decent night and then I remembered that I have to do this. I just want to watch old episodes of Leverage and drink myself to death, but Girl Meets World took that away from me. And apparently people at Christian's job call him "Chris" so I think we should all make fun of him about that.

No, they call me Christian at my office. There's like a bunch of Chrises in my office, so me being Christian is pretty helpful actually. That wasn't a direct quote in my status. But a lot of friends and family call me Chris, it's not something I have a problem going with. 

Hey Chris, you suck. Your Cubs suck too.

Nope. The Cubs are the best and they won the World Series and it was like the best night of my life and I love them. 

Anyway, I haven't watched the episoe yet. 

Nailed it.

This episode was half written by Danielle Fishel and right out of the gate I'm impressed. The writers for this show seem pretty feast or famine, either they GET IT or they know even less than Jon Snow. It's Riley and Maya hanging out, singing the closing theme to some show on Netflix and they're about to watch episode a billion of the series. WAS THAT SO HARD? WAS THAT THE HARDEST THING YOU'VE EVER DONE? THAT'S ALL I EVER ASKED FOR. SUDDENLY THEY'RE REAL PEOPLE. If you had asked me yesterday, I would have said it was impossible to do anything other than fucking soul searching in the Bay Window. But they're just watching Netflix! I'm so happy.

I think it's hilarious that it took Fishel herself writing the script to get Topanga in a scene with someone other than god damn Auggie.

Riley decides to defy her mother for the first time since the Reagan administration by watching more episodes of Red Planet Diaries instead of helping at the bakery. I'm glad this episode exists because we get to see what Danielle thinks Topanga is supposed to be, what she thinks her own character's place and power are. And she impresses me right away by having Riley dismiss her mother's power. Pretty much everyone who writes or comments on this blog has expressed distaste for Topanga's godlike power and influence in this show, and immediately Danielle dismisses that power by having Riley dismiss it. Excellent.

Cory is having a breakdown about it, but that shouldn't surprise anyone. It's not my favorite quality of Cory's, but that's who he has always been. 

So yeah that's the second writer, but my job is a lot easier if I don't have to qualify every point with "If we assume Danielle wrote this and not the other guy..." So I'm just gonna proceed assuming these are mostly her ideas, and maybe Ashmawey helped her frame the story or something.

Aw, that's not fair. Maybe Ashmawey contributed a lot. Maybe Danielle's contribution was just "I want to do an episode where Topanga's a main character and maybe she and Riley get in a fight." and Ashmawey took the ball and ran with it.

They give Sarah an extremely rare line where she sort of breaks the fourth wall. It's a cute joke, I'm sure she had fun with it, so that's good enough. 

Pictured: Real time footage

Arite, anyway. Anybody else notice how overqualified Amir is for this show? Man he has made progress. Was he this good when he started? I was blinded by how awful Zay was written, but now, he is sooooooooooo comfortable on camera. I hope he sees more work after this show. I won't watch it, but... I hope he gets it.

Auggie sucks, nobody cares.

The dialogue gets a little too on-the-nose about its self awareness here as Riley describes the difference between real life and television. I'll blame Ashmawey for that. Sorry bro, shoulda known what you were getting into.

Oh come on, Boy Meets World did that too. "But that was a TV show, this is real life." "Trust me, it's the same thing." "But TV can combine many days in one 30 minute show." "Trust me, it's the same thing." That could easily be Danielle. I DON'T LIKE YOU USING ASHMAWEY AS A SCAPEGOAT, SEAN.

Topanga's pissed, but Riley stands her ground for probably the first time ever. I still hate Auggie, but his seizing the moment to gain favor with his mother is eerily reminiscent of when my own older sister got in trouble. Too real, can't handle. 

Danielle also directed this episode, and as I've said many times I don't know dick about directing, but one moment here definitely caught my eye. Rowan is taller than Danielle. The fact that I didn't know that speaks to the way their scenes together are usually shot. That's been true for a while. In Season 1 they were the same height and in Minkus' first episode, Topanga comments on it as a point of pride for Riley. HOWEVER! For seemingly no reason, the shot switches to a zoomed out camera. Like, it's MID SENTENCE that they do this, and the only possible reason is to MAKE SURE WE KNOW that Riley is taller than her mother now. 

Riley's defense in this story is that she's growing up mentally, and Danielle uses this shot to complement that by showing how she's grown up physically. Pretty much every shot here makes sure we notice that Riley is taller. They could have had Riley sitting down for this, which I imagine is why almost every scene with these two is at the dinner table, so I think Danielle definitely wanted to reinforce the height difference in this scene. It really adds a lot to this struggle of a parent trying to scold their child, when that child is larger than them. Our default is to side with the parent, but the framing makes us wonder if maybe Riley is too old for this bullshit. Very well done.

Eh, I think you may be over-reading that. Again, it's a fact been true for most of the series, and Riley's height is well known and has been remarked upon. Riley's never really been shorter than her, she was the same height by like episode 7.

I'm PRETTY SURE... Like, 99% sure... That I have been saying for YEARS that we need to see Riley get in trouble, and now here it is and it's one of the best executed scenes all season. You might almost think that I know what I'm talking about.

In class, Lucas doesn't have much to say except reminding us that he brought s'mores to the finale viewing party. Danielle clearly understands what version of Lucas works. She's really knocking this out of the park so far. Unlike the Cubs, who suck. What city in Florida do you live closest by? I want to know who to mock. 

Cory's discussion about diplomatic surrender compels Riley to take that route with her mother. This is the example I always go to, but in Me And Mr. Joad, Turner doesn't give a shit about shit, he's just trying to teach a book to some kids, and then Shawn and Cory run away with the idea. I really wish that could have happened here, but it's hard to imagine Cory not tailoring this lesson to his daughter's situation. 

I think this battle scene between Riley and Topanga strikes a really good balance. I find myself identifying with Riley (interesting, I've been firmly on Team Topanga this whole episode), but I'm sure any parent watching with their kid would identify with Topanga, basically this idea of "You think you deserve something for not being a piece of shit all the time?" But when you're younger, you're thinking "I could so easily be a piece of shit all the time, and you're lucky that I'm not." It's definitely not black and white, and Meets World always thrives in the gray areas. Unless of course this episode ends with Topanga being black-and-white correct, in which case this was all a waste of time and I'll regret saying good things about it.

Here again Danielle uses their height as the basis of the shot. They start out both seated, Topanga goes on the offensive as she stands up, as in the above picture, but then Riley stands up to retaliate and again it zooms out to make sure we see their heights.

Riley decides to take Eric's Stormy Weather route when her parents play the "live under our roof" card, like Alan did all those years ago. Lemme tell you somethin, every kid in America hates that card. I'm really nervous about the resolution of this episode, because young people are identifying pretty hard with Riley in this fight. Every teenager has had this fight their parents, and no one is going to be satisfied with a preachy respect-your-elders resolution.

So Riley takes her seventeen dollars over to Maya's. Is Shawn here? He must be, right? The fact that Shawn lives with Maya now is probably never going to come up, but it's a pretty significant lore point.

This bothers me too. Maya's place is in a shady neighbohood, and is clearly pretty small and crappy. Shawn has a gorgeous home upstate in the country. They should be living there. Maybe he and Katy decided that they will eventually move to Shawn's place, but they don't want to take Maya away from her school and friends in high school and will ride out the next three and a half years and then move upstate. That is what I will pretend. 

And yeah, where is Shawn in all this? If he knew what was going on, he would send Riley right the fuck back home. I get you can't use Rider much, but mention him when we're at where he should live.

"Riley is my entire reason for being."

Ahahaha, that's fantastic, she doesn't give a shit about Auggie. Oh I love this script, I really do. Even more because the sentiment mirrors the magnificent Uncle Daddy in season 4 of Boy Meets World, "You think he likes yelling at us? ... He doesn't, he hates it." 

Auggie's "That's honest." has got to be the funniest thing he's ever said.

Indeed, both Topanga and Riley want to apologize to the other. That's a relief. Topanga retains her Topanganess while still managing to concede ground, as does Riley. I don't really want Cory to interject his life lesson here, but maybe it's in the contract or something. Wow okay, "The thing human beings are entitled to, is to make a wrong decision every once in a while." 

That is a god damn sequel! That is how you make a sequel! That is Cory Matthews passing on his life experience. A lesson from Cory's own heart, from his own life, from the Cory we all know. I can't believe it, I never thought I would see this day. That's all I ever wanted. That's... all I ever wanted...

I do want to note that his full line though is "You know the difference between martians and human beings? The thing human beings are entitled to is making a wrong decision every once in a while." Martians can't mistakes? Says who? That's such a weird statement, and it's said in Cory's serious voice with nice music. Why are we bringing martians into this at all? I get it's because of Red Planet Diaries, but that was just a silly sentiment. That was too clever by half.

During the tag scene, Riley and her friends ever so slightly break the rules of being grounded by singing the Red Planet Diaries theme song together.

And that's perfect, honestly. She's paying the consequences, but they're still teenagers. That's something Michael Jacobs has understood since day god damn one. This is THE. FIRST. TIME. that Riley has felt like a Matthews. She has been a Lawrence since season 1, but today my friends, Riley is a Matthews. She took a stand, learned a lesson, and even though she wasn't necessarily wrong, she is still meeting the world in understanding how things have to work. It's odd that they didn't draw any direct lines from Riley's behavior here to Cory's old penchant for getting in trouble, so it may not have even been deliberate, but it's definitely still there.

What has felt so Lawrence-y about her since Season 1 exactly? I guess I can't think of what defines the Lawrences as a family. 

So we had Riley and Maya being real people, Sarah got some lines, the boys were all the goofy versions of themselves that work the best, Riley channeled her Matthews bloodline, she got in trouble like I've wanted since the very beginning, Topanga doesn't care about Auggie, Cory gave us a lesson based on his own life, and we got a classic Meets World gray area resolution to an extremely relatable teenager vs parent fight, in addition to the compelling directorial choices made by Danielle that I talked about. This episode is excellent. It makes me incredibly happy that Danielle understands what makes this universe compelling. The Strong brothers have done a lot of directing, but the only other episode written by a cast member was of course the brilliant Meets Semi Formal by Will Friedle. The actors really get it, man. That's fantastic.

It's two episodes in a row now that I've used the phrase "That's all I ever wanted," and the next episode was written by the legend herself, Mackenzie Yeager, and directed by Ben Savage. Am I actually excited? Is this what excitement feels like? 

Hot damn.

I'm not going to say too much in this very delayed review because I suspect most people have moved on from this episode and won't read it. And because I more or less agree with Sean on all fronts. This was a great episode. Sean hit the major points, I kind of chimed in when I wanted.

No way of knowing if this was mainly Danielle with just some input from Ashmawey, a professional, to turn it into a script. Or if this was Danielle had an idea and Ashmawey essentially wrote it himself, Art of the Deal style. 

What I have been able to discover is that in 2015 Ibrahim Ashmawey wrote and co-starred in a movie directed by Omar Ashmawey (who appears to be his brother) that starred as as its lead... Danielle Fishel. So, my guess is Danielle had an idea for an episode, but didn't feel like she had the chops to make a whole script out of it, so she approached a writer she had just worked with to collaborate and bing bang boom Girl Meets Her Monster.

Anyway, I'm not going to say anything else beyond.

Episode Rating: A
Episode MVP: Danielle Fishel, naturally, but I really thought Rowan and Ben were great too. 

Yesterday's Tomorrow is Today

Submitted without comment.

Episode Review: "Girl Meets World of Terror 3" (#3.15)

I actually took a class on chaos theory my senior year, and indeed, if you perform some series of continuous operations on some number x, and then perform the same stuff on an unimaginably slightly different number, say x+10^(-100000000000000), you can end up with wildly FANTASTICALLY different results. It's definitely interesting to see when and why that happens. So I appreciate Farkle and Smackle's brief explanations, ever more so by their lack of the phrase "butterfly effect." 

Holy crap, everyone just groaned when Ghost Auggie introduced the episode. How did that get on tv? That's hilarious! Loved that.

Did you see Maturo's satisfied look when he says "I'm your ghost"? I bet he thought of that himself. Honestly he just looks like a nun, and I'm not interested in going to church tonight. He actually said he was your ghost in the first World of Terror too. And it actually got a laugh then. So he probably thought he was making a great callback.

You can't tell from looking at it, but that's actually a doctored photo.

We head to an alternate timeline where Riley never met Maya and Riley's best friend in high school is her teddy bear.

Yeah, we know Abed. Honestly the problem here, and to be honest it's why I don't like that episode Remedial Chaos Theory as much as everyone else, is that nothing is canon! I have another 20 minutes of this episode and none of it matters. I want a story and character development. Not hypothetical situations. It doesn't even matter how good the writing is here (don't hold your breath), I have to hate it by default. I don't mind non-canon things, but they need to set up a mini one-episode canon that I become invested in and/or reveal something interesting about who the characters likely are when they are canon. For instance, DC does non-canon a lot and the vast majority of the time, no matter what else is the same or has changed, Lex Luthor is a good guy who uses his wealth, brains, and influence for altruistic means. It's like the canon universe is the one universe in which Lex went bad. This reveals something interesting about him, showing how very different he may be from, say, the Joker who never gets a good version (and if he does, it's a ruse or almost immediately does not stick) Stuff like that I can get behind. 

Other than the bear, Alternate Riley is just an extreme version of her real self and Maya has transformed into exactly who I would have dated if I went to this school. Ehhhhhh..... And by "date" I of course mean "look at but never talk to." There we go. Phew! Should have kept the faith you'd make the joke.

Alternate Farkle never grew out of being a sex offender, Smackle is somehow more of a stereotypical geek than when we met her in season one, and Lucas is the world's very first goth cowboy.

Strike that, second. Did you catch that the girl Joey and The Hombre fight over in that episode is Ainsley Hayes? SAAAAAAM. Yes. I was actually first exposed to her on CSI Miami, but I don't wanna talk about that.

Jokes aside I'm actually interested to see what he does with it. The golden rule about Lucas is that he's only compelling when they give him some range (there's a cowboy pun somewhere). I'm generally pleasantly surprised when Peyton has some room to do different things. That's what people say, but that's not precisely what it is for me - because "I have rage issues and a past!" Lucas usually doesn't work for me either. I just like when they're willing to make fun of him and acknowledge that his "Aw, shucks, ma'am" perfectness makes him kind of a goober.

Haha! I knew it. He's hilarious. And let me be clear Christian, I told you I was going to need some shots for this episode, but I haven't had any yet. Everything so far has been the opinion of Sober Sean. I think the writers are painfully aware of how awful Farkle was in season one. Yikes.

......Well they've done it. They gone and did it. Alternate Lucas and Riley have more chemistry than the real ones. 

Seriously. I love this scene.

And you wanna know how? Well I'm gonna tell ya, because that's my job. Because my name is on the door of this building. No, MY name is on the door of this building! I'm the Red Ranger around these parts, you're some Johnny-Come-Lately Green Ranger! Roger Stirling likes to remind people his name is on the door, that's what I was going for.

It's because Alternate Riley isn't that awkward mess she was in season one. She's ten times more bubbly, sure, but now she owns it, she's confident. It doesn't bother me anymore how annoying she is because she isn't taking any kind of bullshit from anybody. You think Alternate Riley would fall apart if some bully started texting her mean texts? Hell no. And she's instantly better than what we saw in Meets She Don't Like Me. And of course season one Lucas was an empty shell of nothing, so these small bits of character put Alternate Lucas way out in front as well. If Riley and Lucas had met like this in the first episode, I would be riding that train all the way to the station.

Okay not that station, but you know what I mean. Somehow we ended up with the opposite problem I predicted, where instead of not caring at all because it's not canon, I care too much because it's not canon. Weird.

Moving on, to quote ghost Auggie, "a world where everything is different*."

*Except Topanga being relegated to stupid child actors. That is not different, it is in fact the same.

Alternate Ava is kid-married to Doy instead of Auggie, and instead of telling you how fascinated I am, I'm going to show you.

Alternate Auggie doesn't exist. I don't know, is this suddenly my favorite episode? Cory isn't even trying to interfere with his students' lives! I'm on board with all of this, except for Farkle, but I'm willing to take that bullet. I think my next project after this series ends is to rewrite every episode with these characterizations. Or lack thereof. Cuz Auggie's not in the show.

What are you trying to tell us, Michael Jacobs? Is this what you wanted? Is this what we could have had? 

IS THIS WHO I COULD HAVE BEEN?

I don't mean to pile on, but Riley also mentions that in this world she doesn't spend so much time at the Bay Window.

Oh man, they're refocusing on Auggie. Sorry kid, I'm not really interested in your problems. I wanna see Riley and Lucas flirt some more.

Holy god, did I just say that? I ACTUALLY WANT MORE RILEY AND LUCAS. I'VE NEVER FELT THIS WAY. This is so insane, I honestly don't know how to deal with this episode.

Smackle somehow sneezes her headgear onto Farkle, I think we can just skip over that. Just hop and skip and jump right over. Nun Auggie gets some pity laughs out of the audience and we're at the Bay Window.

Nun Auggie's plan to unite Alternate Miley doesn't work. This might have been a better origin story, honestly. I'll just say that I don't remember their real origin story, but I'll probably remember this, so... that's something.

Riley accidentally got Maya a B- when she did her homework, so Maya's worst nightmare of being called on in class has been realized. So now there's going to be a rumble between them, like in The Outsiders.

...Yeah. Just like that.

Cory comes up with a way to extend his lesson about Newton to Riley's life. Honestly this too is more palatable than the real version. Like, Riley is in a bad spot, she actually needs help and Cory comes up with on-the-spot advice based on his life experience. He's not pulling the strings, he's just there for her. 

That's... all I ever wanted.

Okay so obviously Maya is warming up to Riley a little too fast, but the idea is fine. And like... Lucas being ready to protect Riley from Maya, even though Riley turned out to be in control? That scene has more character than the ENTIRE FIRST SEASON. WHY ISN'T THIS THE SHOW? 

GOD DAMMIT.

GOD. DAMN IT.

I don't know why Smackle and Farkle are here honestly, but nothing can ruin this for me. They hug and then walk through a dark doorway straight to bone city.

Auggie comes back into existence and it wouldn't take a lot of effort to count the number of people who are happy about it.

This tag scene... Is that how it happened? We haven't seen how Riley and Maya met before? No.... I dunno. I feel like we have. I'm not going to look into it, but I think we have. Isn't that why we first met these actors to begin with? Holy shit, that's kind of a big deal. 

So obviously this wasn't perfect. Sunshine Riley warming Maya's cold cold heart is pretty obvious and easy, but if we had put the right amount of time into it, instead of, say, whatever the fuck we were doing in season one, then it could have been great. And I've got to believe that this is who Lucas was supposed to be, who Jacobs wanted him to be, before Disney got in the way. I have to believe it in my heart because it makes the world okay again. 

If Riley and Lucas had talked this way originally, where Riley has her feet on the ground, brimming with confidence, instead of... you know..

Yeah, that. And for everyone about to say "Oh Riley was so much younger back then, blah blah," it doesn't matter. Season one Maya was perfectly capable of being confident around Lucas (which is why we shipped it.) Sixth grade Topanga was perfectly capable of being confident in herself, strange as she was, around someone like Shawn. 

Man... this is not how I expected to feel after this episode. Alternate timeline rocks. The "world of terror" is the canon one. Ain't that some shit.

Oh, hey. Sorry, I should have posted before now but I was busy and also I didn't want to. But, you've caught me at a moment where I seriously injured my ankle and am more or less bedridden so... let's watch this sucker. I'm going to post here when I have ORIGINAL thoughts, and comment on Sean's post when it's an offshoot thought about something he covered.

No, lie, when Auggie showed up it took me a second to identify who that was. Some of it may be the costume, some of it may be how much he's sprouting up, but I think some of it is I forgot about Auggie.

Haha, if Lucas wore a cowboy hat at all times in a Manhattan high school he would be the biggest fucking loser. His thing, Cory's thing, and Smackle's things don't work. In the case of Lucas and Smackle we saw what type of people they were before becoming part of the group... they weren't like this. And where did Professor Cory Plum come from? Cory's identity far predates Riley and Maya meeting. Why would their meeting change him from who he is now... basically the same exact guy he was on BMW but a little older and "wiser".  This Cory, like the other Cory, still had Mr. Fucking Feeny and he thinks education's all about names and dates nothing more? That's nuts. Farkle's works best because it's just who Farkle was only he's gotten a little more preposterous because he's too old for this. 

SEAN! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? How did you not pick up on the fact that the instrumental music they play when Lucas scarily knocks the gum off his hat is the EXACT music from "And Then There Was Shawn". That's an AMAZING callback. What the fuck are you talking abou-

Haha, I enjoyed that the show tried to create some build up and suspense to the question of "WILL THIS LUCAS ALSO WANT TO BE A VETERINARIAN?!" It's so amazing to me that after this long it's still, like, his signature personality trait. That he maybe wants to be a vet. 

I knew it was gonna be Doy. Oh man, I love that he can admit his name is Dewey in this world. Dewey is better of if Riley and Maya never met. Anyway, I can't remember, does Auggie having never been born track? Was he really born after Riley and Maya met? That doesn't seem right to me. Didn't we see these same actresses playing Riley and Maya, and an Auggie that was like 4?

You kind of hit on anything else I'd talk about. This is most certainly the best of the Worlds of Terror, but that's pretty faint praise. I'll go with....

Episode Rating: C
Episode MVP: Eh, Rowan mainly had to carry this one (well, her and August, but that part was no good), and she was fun, so Rowan Blanchard.