Episode Review: "Girl Meets Hollyworld" (#3.17)

This whole time Sean's had this episode titled "Girl Meets Hollyworld" rather than "Hollywood" and y'all jokers didn't notice. I'm leaving it up as proof. I'll change it tomorrow. Joke's on you, joke-joker, that's the right name. If this is the case, then the joke absolutely is on them. I like it, it still has "girl meets world" in the name, if you cover up the Holly part. You say that like having the name of the show in the episode title is of some inherent benefit.

It's almost Thanksgiving and I am thankful for Mackenzie Yeager. The Yeagermeister. That's the only pun you'll get out of me tonight, so cherish it.

Yeah, like that. 

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Apparently blogger has joined the 21st century by finally encoding native emojis, which is exactly what this blog has been missing, let me tell you. You can stop flooding the comment section begging for emojis, and I can finally end my hunger strike, because here they are. 

And yes. It's got the poop one.

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We're gonna need that one. 

Or maybe not, who knows, the rest of the season looks pretty good. I'm stalling.

What was it Shawn wanted to bring back? Reckless spontaneity? Maya might have listened.

So this kidnapped woman is actually sort of an iceberg, she's played by Deborah Lemen who is seemingly nobody. I actually wrote a whole thing here originally because imdb is wrong. The actress is in fact Stephanie Lemelin. I didn't double check until I was done with the episode, and I think I would have enjoyed it more if I'd known from the start. She's done voices for a few video games that I love, and a couple good cartoons. 
It's not easy to watch though. I can't stand her accent and the story is going nowhere, let's pleaaaaaase move it along.

I liked the line "Have you always had that lady?" Otherwise, I think they're a little too joke-y glib-y in the opening. Like, instead of it naturally being fun, it's a lot of "Oh boy, aren't WE having fun? Look at how we're talking about this wacky situation!"

And yeah, they sure don't seem in a big hurry to explain why Maya kidnapped her or what's going on. And Riley doesn't seem too curious about why Maya did it either. For an episode about kidnapping, I suspect this episode will be short on plot.

And yeah, this accent? No, no, no. Better not have to listen to this the whole episode. Betttttter not. 

I like the idea of these early scenes from Topanga's perspective. She's just reading on the couch, Riley and Maya walk in and say "How good a lawyer are you?" and Topanga answers and they walk out of the house and go to Maya's house for a bit, then come back into the house maybe an hour later, Topanga's still reading, Riley's like "Really? Never lost a case, huh?" she confirms it, Maya says "Haha!" like Nelson from the Simpsons, and they walk back out of the house.

I like it because there's nothing else to like here. This sucks so far. Hard. They're stalling soooooo aggressively. It's like 5 minutes in, and we don't know what the deal is.

I thought "I'm laughing because what on Earth is my father going to put on the board for this one?" is a funny line, but then they literally went to school in the next scene. What is it, the next day? Did they do all that, including three trips to Maya's from Riley's just in the morning before school? In high school, I barely had time to grab my books and give myself a look and make it to the corner to see the BUS DRIVE BY. But it's alright, because I was saved by the bell. 

Oh, and then so what? They go through the whole day? This lady just let her kidnapped an entire day? Where's Katy or Shawn? SCREAM, lady. Enough's enough. 

Okay Maya kidnapped her to make sure Katy gets a part in a movie. ("Okay, so, now that you've aided me while I kidnapped this woman for an entire day, let me tell you why we did it since you haven't asked.") Look I'm totally up for shenanigans. Shenanigans are the fuel that runs the Meets World engine. But I don't think even season 7 Eric ever went this far. 

Oh, there's Katy. Welcome to your fucking house, lady. Waltzing in, taking new fountains in your daughter's room like a champ.

My favorite part about the episode is where the audience laughs every time Anastasia said something. You know, because she said it with a ridiculous French accent? Don't you like it? Please respond.

Guys you're not gonna believe it! She switched to a ridiculous southern accent! Don't you like it? Please respond.

Hey Katy and whosit are old friends, the lore is just so rich on this show. 

Riley and Maya are carrying this episode pretty hard so far. The story is... off the rails... but Yeager has maintained her ability to make the two leads a joy to watch. I loved them flipping out at the revelations. I also like

If it doesn't turn out that "Anastasia" portmanteau'd her fake last name "Boulangerie" out of "bologna" and "lingerie," I'm gonna riot in the streets.  "Boulangerie" is the French word for "bakery". Anastasia Bakery. Didn't have to look it up, I've been to France. Where would you be without me? I bring CLASS to this outfit. *edit* She didn't, I'm disappointed, but life goes on. *end edit* Regardless, the one interesting throughline so far is the question of just how far Riley is willing to go to stay by Maya's side, which is the sort of compelling question that we expect from Meets World. And it looks like Katy and Bobbie Joe went splitsville despite once being as close as Riley and Maya. 

It's weird how Katy is now Katy Hunter but Maya is still Maya Hart. We've finally gotten around to establishing that Clutterbucket is Katy's maiden name and Hart is Kermit's name. And Kermit is garbage and Maya has no connection to him. If Katy switched, you'd think Maya would switch. I figured the only reason Katy was keeping Hart was professionally, but apparently not. 

Instantly Riley asks the question I was dreading, "how can this happen to best friendsssssssssssssss" blah blah blahhhhhhhhhh disney magiccccccccccc shut up. Like, has Riley just never HEARD of two best friends becoming distant? This one event has shattered her belief in best frienditude? Come onnnnnnnnn. Especially since she's seen evidence of it. Cory and Shawn never had a falling out, but by the beginning of GMW they'd grown apart and she was aware of that. Also Jack told her how estranged he'd grown from Rachel. 

Wohoah let's calm down there, lioness. Little less talk a little more rock you know what I mean? Little less fight a little more spark. 

Half of that was right. I don't listen to Elvis. Speaking of Elvis, I'm taking Farkle showing up in that costume and they're like "You're keeping the costume?" and he's like "What costume?" as a shout-out to the kid in the cape from "Cory's Alternative Friends." I'd much prefer if Farkle was that kid's son. That was just a really good bit. "I gotta ask. Every day you come to school in a cape. Always a cape. What's the deal with the cape?" "What cape?" That's hilarious. I wonder if that aired earlier than the Seinfel cape episode. I checked, it DID. It aired a season earlier. So, they didn't rip Seinfeld off with that as I always assumed. Good on you BMW. 

Here are some clips from the Seinfeld cape episode. 

I'm glad this movie director is asking a group of kids where a missing famous movie star is. That's smart. That's clean detective work. Take notes, Officer Yogi's Dad (Yogi's dad is named Officer Yogi, so it sounds like you're asking Grandpa Yogi to do it, which is sad, because Grandpa Yogi is dead), cuz you don't know what you're doin.

I remember this guy who plays Sarah's dad from a minor role in an episode of The West Wing. He was much less hairy and looked young and fit and vital. Time comes for us all. But he's good in this. I like his delivey of "Also because... we can't find the other one." and "I mean, I was just gonna look around, but hey!"

Sarah wrote a screenplay, meta humor, blah blah blah, really would like to move on with the story please. 

Whoa, whoa, whoa. We just learned Sarah's whole backstory and deal, and that's all you got? Sarah! Your girl Sarah! What HAPPENED to you? Also, Sarah's last name has been previously established as being "Carpenter" (her real last name) and now her father's name is D.W. Kreminger. Probably Sarah's folks are divorced and Kreminger primarily lives in California and it's enough of a break that Sarah goes by Carpenter, but she and her dad are cool. But jeez, Sarah. Maya goes by her dad's last name and she's barely met the dude. I'm all up in arms about last names and dads today.

Okay, if we're keeping a running list of good stuff here, let's add Topanga being relevant in some capacity other than a mother. Cory is relevant as both teacher and father in every episode, while Topanga is just the mother 99 times out of a hundred. So here we go, lawyer Topanga, that's great. Ava and Doy are nowhere to be seen. As an aside, fuck Doy. That kid's been on Shameless two weeks in a row. That is not a show for him. His... his mom would not want him watching the show that he stars in. And I hate him. And he sucks. Jeez, get off his back, he's adorable.

I don't know you guys. Maya lucked out of a serious fucking crime on the one in a billion chance that the kidnapee was childhood best friends with her mother. That is not compelling writing.

Not just that they'e childhood best friends, but that Anastasia would be SO fucking cool with this. If my childhood best friend's child kidnapped me for days (and it's been two days at this point, we've had a wardrobe change, and we've had two school days) I don't care what unresolved history we have, I'm calling the police and they're all going to prison. You hear that CHARLIE from MADISON ELEMENTARY And EDISON MIDDLE SCHOOL? You're on notice. 

 It sounds like a soap opera honestly, like I'd see it on the cover of Soap Digest in the checkout aisle, "Anastasia secretly childhood best friends with WHO??? WE GOT THE TELL ALL FROM THE ACTORS, YOU WON'T READ IT ANYWHERE ELSE."

Hey, Sean, wanna see something? From top to bottom the characters on that magazine arrreeeee... Steve and Kayla Johnson (of Days of our Lives), Rex Balsom (of One Life to Live), Zach Slater & Kendall Hart (of All My Children), a woman I don't know, Marcie & Michael McBain (of One Life to Live), and Max Brady (of Days of our Lives).

Yeah, I used to watch soap operas growing up, most only off and on but I religiously watched Days of our Lives for a period of about 15 years, stopping when they killed off my favorite character, Jack Deveraux, at which point I was, like, an adult and was kind of over it. Because make no mistake, they'e usually not great. Fun fact, that woman Kayla up there at the top? Big deal. My numbers may be slightly of here, but only slightly - in 1986 the name 'Kayla' wasn't even in the top 500 female baby names. In 1987, a year later, it was in the top 5. You know what happened? That character came on Days of our Lives. Isn't that nuts?

Anyway, there you go. New information about Christian. Back to our show!

Oh good, teenage wisdom about REAL best friends. I just don't wanna hear it. The hallmark of Boy Meets World was that Shawn and Cory don't know shit. I'm so sick of hearing wisdom from teenagers. I'M SO SICK OF IT. 

When Shawn proposed to Katy, did he know that she used to be a Possum Trotter? Is this what gets Shawn going these days? I'm sure he's seen a few private performances of this Trot. Objectively it's pretty great, more backstory for Katy is welcome any time, it's just really silly. 

Bologna Joe does not, in fact, betray everyone after being uncuffed like I thought she would. So we have to watch more Possum Trotting and to be perfectly honest I don't know why.

Topanga throwing in that line "You could have lifted up that radiator anytime you wanted to, I wouldn't call this a kidnapping." felt very much like a last minute addition because someone on the writers staff was like "Hey, um, guys. So, Maya and Riley kidnapped someone in this episode." and they decided to throw in a line like "See? It wasn't a kidnapping! Maya and Riley don't kidnap! You can still like them!"

Who doesn't love boots though. Whoooooooo doesn't. 

Cheryl is ridiculously attractive, is the point I'm trying to make. That's true. I was thinking about being subtle, doing my own little trot around the issue, but you know, subtlety, this is Girl Meets World Reviewed on Blogspot. It's not Hemingway.

Fooled you, that's not Hemingway either. Not me. I've been to Hemingway.

Maya informs us that friends are supposed to be friends because she has literally never heard of friends growing apart before today. It's dumb, I'm sorry. 

You know what was cool about Cory during the breakup and marriage arcs? Cool but also annoying, was that whenever Topanga brought up divorce statistics or all the odds against them, Cory just doesn't care. He is so completely solid in believing in his relationship, and while it wasn't logical, I totally respect him for believing in something. Nothing (except Lauren for like five minutes) in the world could shake Cory's belief that he would always love Topanga, and always love Shawn, and nobody else in the world matters. But it seems like every other god damn episode of this show is like
Girl 1: Oh my GOD what if we're not FRIENDS FOREVER
Girl 2: Oh GOD, you're RIGHT, what IF. 

There's a bit of poking fun at Lucas and Zay which is great, they've been in a very comfortable place for the last handful of episodes. I don't know why we bothered pairing up Riley and Lucas if it would never matter, but fine.

Do you guys wanna hear me do a pitch perfect impression of Anastasia's French accent? 

So I guess Katy is getting the part in a movie because this is Disney channel and it is literally illegal to show a struggling actress or musician fail on this channel. They must always succeed, every show, every time, no matter what. Did Katy earn it? Who cares! Maybe! She's in her forties! Eh, no, I don't think she's in her 40s. I mean, Shawn's not. Cory and Topanga aren't. And Cheryl Texiera's only 34. And wait until she sees what you just said about her! That's not how life works! I'll give them a pass on this one. For one thing, Katy's established as having been struggling to make a living as an actress Maya's entire life. That's a long time. Success in acting has not come easy for Katy, we just haven't seen the failures on-camera. For another thing, this story is literally about her. 

Okay I'm wrong, it's possible. It's just so Disney Channel that it bothers me.

For some reason Cory asks Maya to tell us about her life and she says some shit I don't know, the most important takeaway from this episode is Zay Whaaaaat?

God I love Zay. I really do. He's great. Remember when we didn't like him? He's now my favorite character that wasn't in BMW probably. Granted, that still puts him behind like everyone from BMW. Besides Jack. And Harley. And Angela. And Minkus. And Jennifer. So, okay, he's doing well. 

HEY! What happened to Zay liking Maya?! They totally dropped that too! God, this show sucks with romances.

You know what I would have done? I would have had Farkle get the part of Lucas, or vice-versa. Hell, that's just what I would have made the plot of this episode about. Lucas and Farkle audition for their own parts in a movie and both get cast, but in the opposite role. And Lucas is insecure about it, and Farkle is cocky about it, and they both have to learn each other's mannerisms.

I don't know what to say, this episode is super weird. The ending tried to pretend that some revelation was made between Riley and Maya but... what's new exactly? They're going to stay friends? We knew that since the Pilot episode. So in that regard, I can't really say that I care too much, there wasn't any character development in Riley or Maya at all. Anastasia herself annoyed the crap out of me, but Katy is a cool character and we got to do a bit of world building with her. So that's good.

I just have no idea what the takeaway is here. You can still do your old best friend a favor if you're rich and famous? You can turn your shitty screenplay into a movie as a teenager because of the rampant nepotism in Hollywood? That second one is that real shit, I wasn't ready for that level of commentary on the industry. It's kind of sad actually, Sarah the person is probably only here because of her sister, and Sarah the character only got her screenplay produced because of her father. Oops.

Happy Thanksgiving. Christian wants to write a screenplay where Frankie goes on a cross country trip to reconnect with his father Vader who is sort of dying in actual real life. Pester him to get it finished and email your suggestions to him at *redacted*

Well, more accurately I just kind of want one to be made. I don't really have any ideas for it. 

This wasn't very good.

Episode Rating: C-

Episode MVP: Rowan Blanchard, I didn't really talk about it, but she was great.