Friday, September 23, 2016

Episode Review: "Girl Meets She Don't Like Me" (#3.14)

I have had just the worst week and I had no intention of writing this tonight, but I can't really go anywhere when I'm sick and I have enough vodka to get through this review so HEY. LET'S JUST GO FOR IT, MAN. Just like they taught us in Girl Meets... Huh. They never really talk about chasing your dreams because none of the characters have any goals. Great.

Just like they taught us in The Eskimo.

Riley wants to make new friends, Maya fearlessly attempts to anchor her in reality. I love this moment where she and this other girl exchange easy pleasantries, but she gets angry when pressed for anything more than "How are you?" It's one of those Meets World Moments where you're like WOAH THAT'S TOO REAL. It's like when I wave or say hi to that one guy I see every single day. I don't have time for you, nobody wants to talk to you, keep moving.
Riley goes and is Riley to some poor unsuspecting girl. Riley is so annoying, you guys. I hate it, I would never be friends with Riley.

YEAH. NEW GIRL DOES'NT LIKE RILEY. NEW PROTAGONIST. SHAWL MEETS LOCKER, FROM DISNEY, NEXT SUMMER. That's why Girl Meets World is ending after this season, it's relaunching as a new series with this shawl girl who doesn't like Riley as the protagonist. This is my new favorite character. 

Maya is the best friend on the planet though. I don't think Riley could survive without her, I want a friend like that. Do you think Christian would take me in his arms and sing soothing melodies on the floor in front of the lockers? Vote now on your phones.
Actually he sort of did, when I was trying to get him to write that last review.
I need a minute to... process this...

Zay gets to fireman-carry Maya to class, which he no doubt enjoys, and for THE. FIRST. TIME. SINCE THE FALL OF ROME. Smackle and Farkle do a bit of physical humor without absolutely zero dialogue. We haven't seen that in over a thousand years. Our hero Jeff Menell wrote this episode, so thank you Jeff Menell. You did something new. Something new happened on this show. Thank you.

The health teacher is every health teacher from every sitcom, and the actor just barely made it to his audition in time after watching the first three episodes of the youtube series "Acting Lessons For Ages 13 And Over". 

Like every sitcom that ever had a health class scene, somebody has to faint. Here it's Farkle. I'm sure the people who love Farkle will think it's great, and that's great, but I think it's dumb. He was a hormone monster for like a year and a half, but a scientific diagram of a vagina is making him lose consciousness? This guy has probably seen more porn in his life than you or I would dare to dream of. I don't buy it.
They gave Topanga some long rant about control that I wasn't really listening to. She ought to be the first person to understand that you can't make everyone like you. Between Cory's Alternative Friends and Hair Today Goon Tomorrow, this Topanga doesn't make a lot of sense. But then, she rarely does on this show.

Riley doesn't want to learn about her period from the male gym teacher, which is completely reasonable, so, somehow, Cory replaces him for the job. 

This is where I take a break, because I can't keep going. I'm gonna go get some TEX MEX, like a GIANT ass thing of nachos with all the TOPPINGS. Yeahhhhhhhhh.
That's not mine but it's gonna be like that.

I'm back and I bought a new bottle of vodka because my other one is running out. It's another one of these episodes where they fuse TWO episodes together, Girl Meets Body and Girl Meets She Don't Like Me. Every single time I say that, I follow it up with "Maybe they'll tie it together in a neat way," but I don't think that's ever happened, so I'm not gonna say it this time. 

I'm amazed they got this censored bit on the air, but it's pretty damn funny.
I don't know why Cory is cringing at Smackle's graphic explanation of human reproduction, this is a man who loves booties and butts and bums. 
There's a group meeting to deal with the fact that my favorite character doesn't like Riley. I thoroughly enjoyed Smackle's attempt at changing the subject and everyone's reactions to it. The teenage existentialism of "we're all just specks" isn't enough to dissuade Riley though, and on this I actually appreciate her character. No matter how many times you tell me I'm insignificant in the universe and everything about me will be forgotten in a hundred years, I'm still gonna be pretty preoccupied with trying to have sex. It really is difficult to push past the "meaningless" stuff unless you're a fake tv character like Dr. Manhattan or Sheldon Cooper or Farkle. So yeah, I appreciate that that didn't fix Riley's problem.

I'm still not on board with Cory being uncomfortable about human reproduction, since, you know, 

BUT! I WILL SAY! That I appreciate seeing the flip side of Cory's coin. We're seeing him in a room where he doesn't magically have these answers and lessons and wisdom. In that way, he is very much like old Cory, and we all want that. 

Coach Vinetti comes back and has some wisdom about controlling your own body. That's not his real name, but when you look at him, you're pretty sure that's what his name should be. Looks like he caught the fourth episode of that youtube series on acting, look at that body language. So much pointing for enunciation. "Make good decisions about yourselves." Well thank you, I'm glad we stopped by.

Riley has a "Letting Go Ceremony" which is dumb because letting go is like, the hardest thing a human being has to do in this life, but whatever. It's time for the final showdown with my favorite character, who still doesn't have a name.

Okay Topanga sent my favorite character's entire family to fucking prison, why do I watch this show?

Can someone tell me why I watch this show?

Okay so let's recap. Maya is great. Maya's been great ever since her stupid "I'm Riley" arc ended. I think this should have been called Girl Meets Control, because that's what it was really about. And on that front, I don't know what we learned. That you have control over your own mind and body? Great, but maybe Riley should have learned not to annoy random strangers. It's true that not everyone will like you, and you should be who you want to be, but you should also recognize that having good social skills is valuable. 

I'm not waiting for Christian this week, happy Friday.

Sorry you're under the weather, Seanzi. I'm sure all the.... vodka helped. And was it really Skol? Yikes. What'd that cost, $7.99? Quality stuff. 

I'm actually enjoying a late night Bloody Mary myself though. 

Skol is the TRUTH man, I love it. Bloody Marys are good too though. 

Hey guys. Finally watching. I liked "I'll have to learn new names. I'm still learning Zay! It's 'Zay', right?" Although that doesn't bode well for his hopes of a burgeoning relationship between the two of them.

Okay, show, I'm going to stop you right here. I see what you're going for with this girl who doesn't like Riley. Or I think I do. If I was a betting man, I would bet that.... she never winds up liking Riley. No matter what Riley tries, and she'll be trying most of the episode. We'll end up with a moral that... not everyone's going to like you. And that's okay. Because it matters that you like yourself, or that the people you're closest to like you. And if you go around trying to make everyone like you, then no one will. I bet some version of that line will be said. So, I could turn out wrong, but I'm guessing (without finishing the episode) that you're going for that.

The problem is that you introduced this girl (who, by the way, just standing there radiates charisma, this girl's going places) by having Riley introduce herself to her, very strangely, but perfectly politely and not all that overbearingly (for her) and the girl responded by rudely declaring "I don't like her." This is a problem because... most people who don't like you don't behave that way. They're not outright villains who are cruel to your face upon first meeting you for no reason. 

Most people who don't like you probably had no strong opinion of you one way or another at first. But then they got to know you a bit, and your flaws irritated them more than your strengths endeared you to them. And that's what's hard to deal with. That's the thing that sucks. It doesn't suck when, like, Draco Malfoy doesn't like you. Because Draco Malfoy goes out of his way to be a tool and let you know he's a tool. Of course, he doesn't like you. Why would you even want him to?

I am, of course, all forced to point that there have been plenty of people who haven't liked Riley. Missy Bradford's one. Whoever who was actively bullying her in Season 2, that's another. Hell, Riley thought Shawn Hunter didn't like her. Remember that? She turned out to be wrong about that, but she thought it. Her father's own best friend, a grown adult, she thought actively didn't like her. And she was sad about it, but she kept it together. But this chick doesn't like her and she falls apart? Nope. Nope nope. 

Oh, look Lucas is carrying Riley to health class. Hey guys, you boyfriend/girlfriend? Because I literally have no fucking idea.

Wait, is Farkle fainting when the gym teacher says "Let's talk about your bodies" what you were complaining about, Sean? I don't think it matters that he's seen porn, I think it's a joke about him not liking this uncouth, bestial man talking about bodies. I don't think it's meant to imply the subject by itself would.... oh, nope, there he goes again. Yeah, I don't buy that. I don't even care about the porn angle. This is a textbook, Farkle as written would certainly not have a problem with the biological aspects of any of this. 

"You know what's the best about being the youngest? Nothing." That's lunacy. Babies are spoiled rotten. Babies are everyone's favorites. Babies never have to do the hard shit. Auggie's talking out of his ass. 

Most of what Topanga was up to in that scene didn't really feel like her. It felt like someone writing her, who only read a synopsis of what her deal was. But then again, the loosely defined nature of Topanga as a character even on BMW in comparison to the three male leads is well documented. I did like Danielle's delivery of "I'm the boss of this world."

Bunch of boring stuff about health class. Why is this so much about health class now? We got off topic. Don't make this about trying to control everything and show a bunch of things you can't control. Don't try to be "Things Change". You will lose. "Things Change" is excellent. 

Oh good, when Lucas smiles at Smackle she feels butterflies and when Farkle smiles it appears to disgust her. Funnnnnnnnnnnnn. If Lucas had brightly said "Not really." when Smackle asked if he liked her, it would have maaaaade my day.

Man, did I go through this episode hoping that the gym teacher would come back and have a redemption arc about how he may be coarse but he's a good teacher after all. Thank GOD.

I called this episode wrong, I guess, it was too unfocused to be about this (STILL NAMELESS?!) girl who doesn't like Riley. It's just about, like, kinda whatever. Riley's been fuming about this girl who doesn't like her, but we haven't seen her since the opening, I think, and meanwhile she's dealing with this health class situation which gets most of the airtime even though it doesn't seem to be what's bothering her. How are we not seeing more of the girl? Maybe because you made her a strawman and she has nowhere to go.

Oh good. Smackle had a sex dream about Lucas. Funnnnnnnnnnn. Did Cecelia Balagot butcher the signature "How ya doin'?" BMW/GMW line and assume it should be said like Joey Tribbiani? Or did she and the show deliberately do a Tribbiani "How you doin'?" Because that was a blatant Tribbianni. 

"Hi." "Yeah, still don't like you." "Well, I like you." MIC DROP. Except... no you don't. You couldn't possibly. She has no attributes other than her dislike of you. It's the only thing you know about her. It's the only thing any of us know about her. It's the only words she's said. She has no name. Because this is not a well written episode. Sorry, Jeff.

Oh no no no no no no no, what did you do? What was that ending? Oh god, guys. No, no, no, no. Not good. Also, undercuts the ending of the episode, which showed the girl warming up to Riley by her kindness. Oh god, what a mess.

Episode Rating: I'd have been a nice guy and given it a C before that ending. But that's borderline poisoning Morgan territory. And also I was bored silly, so, you know what? D+ for you.
Episode MVP: Crap, I dunno, dude who played the gym teacher. I'll be a champ and look it up - Brian Scalaro. MVP.

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Episode Review: "Girl Meets The Great Lady of New York" (#3.13)

"What does she stand for?" "Because Kathy took her chair." That's clever, so I had to find out who wrote the script. It's our boy Jeff Menell, Mister And Then There Was Shawn. Mister The Eskimo. ...Mister... Meets World of Terror 2... Jeff Menell? More like... Jeff man, I'll... always be a fan.

Look we can't all be TALENTED WRITERS okay

Topanga's talking to a character other than Auggie, which is just super neato. It's nice of her to make this Cuban food for Auggie's new friend who we'll never see again, but it's not much of a plot. 

Thursday, September 8, 2016

Interim Analysis: The Seasons of Boy Meets World

Season 4 is the best season of Boy Meets World, we all know that. Except for someone who doesn't know that and put it second to last. This is where our story begins... Began... Last night...