I like that Riley sings about brushing her hair, but as always, I don't like that they had to make the audience laugh like six times with that one gag. You're all tired of hearing me say this, but I already dislike this. Riley has spent the last two weeks begging Maya to return to her old destructive self, and now that she allegedly has, Woahhhhhhhh, Riley didn't mean like that, not that kind of destructive!
Then what the hell did you mean, Riley? This is what you asked for. And you know, I'm not being fair with that question. I shouldn't be mad at Riley, this is not a poor reflection of Riley's character, and I have to stop holding this arc against her. It's just the writers having no idea what they're doing.
Oh my golly gosh it's Doy, but poor Topanga is once again relegated to babysitting. This poor woman, do you think she knew? Do you think it said in her contract that she would spend every scene trying to play off of child actors? Anyone with stage experience can tell you that your co-performers matter. Everyone loves Topanga when she can work with the energy from Ben or Rider or (especially) Will, but look at Danielle in this, she's dying out there! She's dying!
|Pictured: Not living|
Lucas does an accent here at Topanga's. It's hard to react to... Lucas isn't the "goofy" guy, why is he doing an accent? It's kind of funny though, in a "what the HELL?" kind of way, but I doubt that was their intention. Really really strange moment. There's no way that's a one off moment, it's too strange. (*EDIT* Wow, it was a one off, what the fuck?) God, come on Peyton. This guy teaches acting classes, is this what he's teaching? Are you teaching people this, Peyton?
|Pictured: Not teaching|
It's pretty sickening that the trailer pretended this "Missing 100 Dollars" was actually important to the plot. I'm super glad it's not, but wow, that's... that's bad, dude. On the other hand, both of Riley's overreactions (the fire alarm and now this) have been extremely well delivered and genuinely funny. I think it's because she's getting her arms and posture involved, rather than just making a goofy face like usual.
On the third hand, it's pretty fucked up that Riley thought Maya would steal from her own mother. Maya is rightfully outraged and blames her friends for what's about to happen before storming off, possibly the most Shawn-esque exit of her life.
A police officer accompanies Topanga and the boys home because they couldn't afford another set. Doy yells "Doy" and I just don't care. Ugh... How did I end up here? How did I grow into this life where I sit here and tell you how I feel about a kid yelling "Doy" at a police officer? That's not who I wanted to be.
Hahahah, this is the most unintentionally hilarious line in the series, it's just after the 11 minute mark. They're talking about Vesuvius in class again, Riley says "Because it's not!" and Cory just says "What?" Like what the fuck nonsense are you saying during my lesson Riley? It's a volcano, what do you mean it's not? And that supports the idea that Cory didn't manufacture this lesson to help the core four, so, yes, best line in the series.
He puts 2 and 2 together though and asks where Maya is, and we all learn she's cutting class. Cory doesn't seem to care much, which is great. The Core Four continue interrupting the lesson though, which is not great.
This Meeting of the Ruffians isn't very entertaining, but they dicked us again with the trailer. The similar outfits and fucking framing made it deliberately look like Maya smashed the statue in the trailer. That's not clever marketing, that's lying. They knew this episode was bad so they had to lie about its content in the trailer to get people to watch it.
Okay let's not mince words. Maya threatening to absolutely destroy these girls is pretty awesome. The dialogue is still too Disney, like if there weren't the physical threat of violence, if it were just the dialogue... well that's what I expected, to be honest. I don't know how in a zillion years they got this approved but well fucking done. With the brick and the hammer, just like Marx intended. Jacobs told me to buckle up, and I didn't, and I should've.
Maya claims to know who she is now. I still don't, but there's a few minutes left in the episode, so if we find out at some point, I'm gonna call it a win.
This cop is way too involved in these people's lives. We don't need the charade, the audience is not fooled, we know Maya did something nice to the park and we're getting set up. Let's crank it down from a full 10 to like a 3, okay mister police man?
As usual I could do without the crying, but I'm happy to wrap up this storyline. I'm not being a shitter when I say this, I honestly don't know what progress Maya has made in this arc. Or since the beginning. She hasn't done anything super bad as long as we've known her. So... yeah, she's still not doin' it. And her clothes... might be different? There's too many zig zags and loops in her portrayal, I still don't know who the true Maya is, other than that she isn't a vandal.
And it's certainly done nothing to change the triangle, I mean if I'm Lucas, I'm seeing this street art done by a girl who just went to bat with a hammer and a brick and I'm like damn girl, I'ma buy you a ice cream.
Yeah actually Lucas does seem impressed. It's not a triangle though, seriously.
So yeah, there's some funny moments and Maya being about to murder some girls was awesome, but I've never been on board with this idea from the beginning. I never understood why the True Maya needed to be found, and now that we've allegedly found her... who is she? Is cutting class True Maya or not? Is liking Lucas True Maya or not? All I know is that breaking a statue isn't True Maya, but then, I never thought it was.
First of all - no comment on the police officer's actor? Did you really not recognize him? That's Reginald VelJohnson, best known as Officer Carl Winslow from Family Matters and Officer Al Powell from Die Hards 1 and 2. This guy is is chubby black workaday beat cop extraordinaire over here. It's like getting Liam Neeson to play a grizzled ex-spy. It's what the man does. I can forgive you somehow never having seen Die Hard (although, you should, the first is fantastic) but this is a TGiF spinoff man. If TGiF were a deck of cards, Full House would be the King and Boy Meets World the Jack, with Family Matters in between as the Queen. Nevermind that it was so bad it made Full House look good.
I guess Step by Step, maybe, is the 10. Maybe Sabrina. Teen Angel is the one the instructions are printed on.
Christian stopped writing there and will continue soon.
So, I like that this episode will explore the downside to Riley's deciding she doesn't like that Maya exhibited character growth in the last year and wants to revert her to how she was when she was in middle school - namely, that, Maya was a delinquent in middle school and there's a reason she changed in the first place. But, since this all ties into this weird Maya-was-Riley nonsense plot that I despise, I'm using "like" very loosely.
Rowan's pretty funny in this fire alarm exchange. Too bad Riley is on my ENEMY list.
Aw, hey Doy. I like Doy. He's a cutie pie! More Doy, less Ava. Although Ava's been bugging me less too. That said, I don't need to see any of them.
Oh, yeah, Lucas' voice sucks. That whole part sucked. What was that? That was a British accent? It sounded German....ish.
You know who might as well not even be on this show sometimes now? Farkle. Has he had a storyline this entire season?
Okay, so is it just me, or did Katy go at those kids WAY too suspicious? Given the circumstances, and Maya's constant taunting that she's about to commit some mayhem, I don't necessarily blame Riley for jumping to the conclusion Maya stole the money - it's not like Maya's never stole shit - but Katy just waltzed up to them like "Who stole my money?" Why would you assume it's one of them? When she clearly hasn't even looked hard enough yet to determine it's not just misplaced. It's New York City. Anybody could have robbed you. It doesn't have to be an inside job. No offense, Katy, but you're a bit of a numbskull, as evidenced by the fact that you just lost the money yourself. I would not be surprised if you were robbed when manning the shop alone.
Yeah, dumb Doy story. Nice to see REGINALD VELJOHNSON though. Eh, Sean? REGINALD VELJOHNSON.
So, this whole business with Maya is bizarre. Most people who get up to the sort of mischief that Maya's doing... don't go about it this way. They do it because they're not really thinking, they do it because they're egged on by friends, and, above all, they do it because they think it's fun. This scene of Maya slinking off to an abandoned part of town in the dead of night and solemnly and contemplatively taking out a firecracker and a brick and a hammer and spraypaint one by one is just.... absurd. She's acting as if she's taken some sacred vow to commit vandalism even though she hates it. No one's asking her to do this. She doesn't seem to want to. She's taking it uncomfortably seriously. The writers just feel increasingly tone deaf on how kids act and why they do anything.
Commercial-time. Are we really at the point where Ice Age movies are taking place in space? How the hell many of these are there now? I think I was in middle school when I saw the first one in theaters (the only one I've seen), and I loved it. Because it was about the fucking Ice Age. I just looked it up, and the Ray Romano mammoth, who was widowed in the first movie, has now gotten remarried to Queen Latifah, had a kid, and the kid is now an adult and gets married in this one. So.... maybe it's time to put the Ice Age franchise to rest.
Oh, and then she runs into her old crew. Because she had an old crew when she was 11, I guess. And they always hang out in this one shitty park that includes a repair shop. Ugh. This kind of stuff worked better on Boy Meets World which took place in a suburb. None of these kids feel like they live in Manhattan, and it's frequently seemed like this taking place in Manhattan gets in their way.
Ugh, and this "Oh YEAH? Well, if you're so evil, eat this kitten!" shit is just the lamest. No one acts like this. They're so fucking serious and quiet and whispery about this.
Oh, great she painted "Hope" instead. Can I go home now? P.S. Still can't do that, Maya.
Episode Rating: D (Just excessively overwrought and boring and not funny and tone-deaf to how people act and has to do with a plot I hate anyway)
Episode MVP: Rowan Blanchard (Sorry Sabrina, you were too maudlin and killed your scenes, Rowan at least brought some sparkle to hers)
I don't think I like this show.