Hey folks! Been a while since you got me first, right? I'm coming to you.... from the paaaaaaast. I'm going to be on vacation in Northern California from Thursday until Tuesday, so I'll miss prime review time. So, since this is already up on Watch Disney, I'm writing this now. But you're reading this on Friday or Saturday or whatever. How's the future? How'd the Democratic Convention go? You guys getting amped about the Olympics?
This one's written by Aaron Jacobs, another son of Michael Jacobs. The one he wrote before was "Girl Meets Money" which got a B- from me, which could be worse for a Jacobs scion script. I wish I could keep MJ's sons straight. Like, I want to have instant recall of who wrote what, and I want to know how old they all are, and I want to know which one played Toddler Josh, and which one played the kid from Eric Hollywood. But there's no information out there I can see, and their generic biblical names make it hard to keep track. All in all though, their episodes tend not to be high water marks for the series. They have a habit of being really heavy handed in terms of BMW references, since I'm sure they've seen it all many times, but not being really good at getting the tone right or telling a cohesive story, probably because they are not actually qualified to be writing a TV show and are taking gross advantage of nepotism. "Girl Meets Cory and Topanga" comes to mind.
I half wonder if MJ's just doing this show to give all his kids a first break into the industry.
Anyway, Riley and Lauren Jr. (aka Evan) are talking and Evan thinks he wants to be a sherpa. He does not. Yes, sherpas help people climb Mount Everest. How do they do this? They do it by climbing the mountain first, without a trail established ropes or anything, and clearing and establishing a trail, and setting up all the ropes that are just sitting there waiting for Western climbers to use. They then RE-CLIMB THE MOUNTAIN with their clients while shouldering unimaginably heavy loads of equipment so the western climbers don't have to. It's an unbelievably grueling existence, that basically only natives can handle because their bodies are more naturally acclimatized to the high altitude. What Evan means is that he wants to be a mountain climbing guide. You don't have to do any of that kind of stuff, you just help your clients climb the mountain.
What? Cory and Topanga were sitting in the room with them the whole time? And Evan was aware of it? Well, then that really... diminishes whatever (admittedly, already non-existent) romance was involved in Riley talking to this guy all night. Also, who cares? She and Lucas aren't dating. So, there's not even a situation here. How could Lucas be mad Riley likes another boy? He likes another girl. Also, it's weird how blatantly this is played like a caricature of the Cory/Lauren situation. Like, they're making a big joke out of it, I guess. I don't know. This isn't a very good show.
Also, I know I'm not the best gauge of teenage boys' cuteness, but Evan strikes me as weird-lookin'. Bring back what's his name. The kid I liked. You know who I mean. God, I can't remember his name even.
Maya had funny delivery for "I know you lose your mind over me in firelight, but can I sit down?" but I'm at the point that when it's at one of those dramatic scenes with the meaningful vague dialogue, I don't know what even the general point they're making is anymore.
What's up with Riley's outfit following this scene? The one with all the colors, red, yellow, blue, orange shirt with grey circle in the center, and pink pants? It looks like some sort of space suit from a Sci-Fi movie in the 1980s. I think it's supposed to be a sunrise she's rocking, but... yowza.
Meanwhile, you can open scenes with Josh reading all the newspapers you want, I still don't buy how old he's supposed to be.
What a bulllllllshit new explanation for why Maya was "pretending" to like Lucas. God, stop trying to pull new reasons out of your ass. Just drop the storyline if that's what you gotta do. Stop trying to act like this was a plan. You've never had a plan.
Isn't it the day? Why are they playing this game? Go. Go hike. It's nature weekend. Also, that whole scene was dumb. Nobody sounds like a person. Nobody sounds like a well-thought out storyline pawn either. This is bad. Stop answering questions before they read all the options. Stop having vague esoteric questions about what the right answer of a game is." "Read the next option." "How do you know there is one?" Shut the fuck up, you fake fictional fake people.
Oh, Maya loves Josh, I guess. Remember Josh from "Hasn't been on this show in a year?"
Ooh, Evan made up a question. Evan is eeeeeevil. Seriously, he delivered that so evil. I'm surprised he didn't cackle. It was played like a revelation that Evan-had-been-the-killer-all-along. "Hi, I'm Evan, your friendly mountain guide, BAHAHAHAHAHAA!"
"I don't like Lucas like that." "GAAAAAASP." Seriously, audience? Where did you think this was going?
Josh and Maya are presently only 2 years apart? Despite him being a Freshman in college and her being a Freshman in high school? Let's figure this out. "Girl Meets Master Plan" aired on January 16th, 2015 and featured Maya's 14th birthday. It may not take place on January 16th, but I do recall their being indications it was a wintertime episode. So, let's say January 2001 is when she was born. "My Baby Valentine" aired on February 12, 1999. But we know Josh has been aged somewhat, enough that he, realistically, needs to be a year older to have 2015-2016 be his senior year. But let's keep February, since why not? This makes him February 1998. Their birthdays are six weeks apart, Maya's being earlier, so Maya being born in January and Josh in February COULD add up.
However, this means this episode would need to take place in late January or early February 2017, with Maya as 16 and Josh as not-yet-19. This feels off. Also, I think we have a Christmas episode coming up. Sooo.... failure. What they should have done is not made Josh so old.
I read Christian's review before I started watching and I really don't want to watch this. I don't think Lucas is entitled to shit here. If he had ever once in his life just been straightforward about wanting to date Riley, I could- you know what, fuck it, I can't sit here and discuss this. I don't care about who these people date. If you do, that's fine, but you are going to be disappointed because none of the writers here care anymore. We cared once upon a time! Of course we did! We practically invented Lucaya. But I am long past the point of being able to give a crap.
I seriously hate the dialogue on this show. No one in the world talks like this. This conversation between Josh and Riley starts with "Why do we like the same boy?" "I'd be more surprised if you didn't." And ends with "Why do we like the same boy?" "You don't." ???????????????????????? WHAT? WHICH IS IT? I guess that's it, isn't it! That has always been the problem! The writers want both! They want the triangle because DRAMA, but they simultaneously want us to believe it's NOT A TRIANGLE because PROFOUND. Every episode they try to write it both ways, and every episode ends up being jumbled, garbled, crap.
They tried way too hard with this "falcon" stuff and it ended up not being funny.
This game is so unbearably cringey. I'm so sorry everyone, I'm sorry to the loyal readers who deserve better from me, but I have nothing good to say about this episode. I just want it to be over. Shut up Farkle, your girlfriend wants to bang Lucas.
I don't know how we got to this point, but the only character I want to hear anything from is Zay.
I agree with Christian, obviously, that this hand-waving away of Maya liking Lucas is complete nonsense. We know why she liked him, we know why he liked her, we watched it for two seasons and now they want to convince us that we didn't. Well, too bad, I know what I saw and I won't forget. Oh my God, it's the most convoluted plan about turning into Riley to protect her, is this Ocean's Eleven? When did Disney Channel start airing Death Note?
Turn into her! To become her! To protect her! To evaluate Lucas! To become myself! To protect her again!
Dazzling photoshop work, I know.
Maya trolls Lucas a little bit, pretending that Lucas chose her, it's definitely the highlight of the episode. That's not saying much though. Christian is a braver man than I am trying to do the math on this "two years apart" thing. It just... it's so far from being possible, but this is a Michael Jacobs show. The wibbly wobblyness of time is just part of the deal.
It's overwhelming how much better Sabrina gets on with every guy in the cast. Maybe it's comfort from real life that Rowan just doesn't have yet? It almost feels like Rowan has never flirted with a guy except when she's playing Riley. That's probably not true, but she seems so... clenched all the time. I don't like watching it. She's great with Maya, she's great with her parents, but man. If Lucas's favorite thing is talking to Riley, he must have a boring ass life.
"But Sean!" I hear you yell, "But Sean! She's supposed to be the awkward one! Blah blah blah!" Yeah that's great, doesn't mean I wanna watch it.
I think I can hear adults in the audience cheering when Riley says "I do," which, by the way is just too too much. This show is always on 10. It never lets me breathe, we've always gotta be making such a big show.
Did Riley actually need to sprain her ankle for any of this to happen? She met Evan at night after the hike anyway. She's doing some SUPER, DEFINITELY PROFOUND speech about a leaf but it's just too much, it's on 10, it's a big show, and I can't breathe. You believe life knows what's best for you Riley? Is that why we spent an entire arc where YOU GUYS decide what's best for you? You didn't exactly leave shit up to fate when you drove Maya out to hang with Shawn. As always, the writers want it both ways. They want DESTINY, but also SEIZE THE DAY.
Also Evan wasn't actually a Lauren, he was a PUPPETMASTER! Because we couldn't, we just couldn't possibly get somewhere on this show without a puppetmaster.
I mean are you kidding me? You're kidding, right? "Life knows what's best" immediately followed by "It was my plan all along!" This isn't a very good show.
Also he's Lauren's kid. Because of course he is! Honestly it's less of a stretch than Turner moving here to be whatever position he's in, or Farkle being Minkus's kid, or Shawn proposing to the mother of a main character. Honestly this is one of the lesser bullshits on this show.
At least, at least we're done.
I will withstand many mighty blows, steadfast against the wind, courageous in the presence of my enemies, tall with my brothers and sisters in arms, until we finally reach this finale. We will raise our flag high above the ruins and cry out, "Worth it!"
So let's paint the big picture of this episode. Lucas and Riley chose each other, Josh and Maya might happen someday, Evan sherpa'd the whole thing. I dislike all three of those things, but by far the biggest offender is the rewrite of Maya's attraction to Lucas, right, the Death Note plan, Inception or whatever. It's demonstrably untrue and worst of all it leaves a lot of viewers unsatisfied, myself included, because the reasons we all got on this hype train in the first place have been swept under the rug. Are they just not going to write Maya and Lucas's chemistry anymore? This sucks. We've all talked at length about how much we can learn about the characters, and how much fun we can have as viewers, from having the characters date around. But it sounds like they're using Josh as a loophole to have Maya not date anyone at all for the rest of the show. God, what the hell are we gonna do for another twenty episodes?
I never quite finished this episode. So let's power through. Riley and Lucas get together, he chooses her. He had another option, he liked her too, he mulled it over for a full year, she ended up rejecting him and recently announced she probably never liked him at all in the first place and now she's quasi-dating a college student, and so Lucas has now decided he's okay to date Riley, if she only mainly talks to him and just talks to other people a little bit because he's a secure western cowboy. AREN'T YOU LUCKY, RILEY? This is true love. L.F. + R.M. 4 Eva.
God, Cory and Topanga talk about Lauren now way more than they ever talked about her, like, in college. Get over it, guys. Lauren told her son to say hi. Say hi back. Don't be rude. She was important to you in your senior year of high school. You're both (probably) married, you both have teenaged children. Get over it. Be adults.
Episode Rating: D-
Episode MVP: Uriah Shelton did do a decent job in his scenes, I'll give it to them. But it's like being the Mayor of Shitsville-That-Is-Actively-On-Fire.