Saturday, August 1, 2015

Descendants Reviewed

Descendant is REALLY bad you guys, nearly unwatchable. I don't know if either Christian or myself is going to be able to watch the entire thing. (EDIT: I did) So for now, the review is simply "it's super duper bad."
I can damn well guarantee you that Christian will not be watching this entire thing. Good lord. I did actually think Kristin Chenoweth did a good job with Maleficent, but then she sort of stopped being in it, so.... nope. Didn't like anybody else. Very bad, and also I don't like what they did with the Disney characters. Like that's Jafar? He wishes. That guy's nothing like Jafar. Jafar fucking rules. Also, I don't know who "Jafar" thinks he's fooling, because that kid is clearly Aladdin's son. 

Other things I'll cite: It's weird they included Cruella deVil (whose depiction was far too goofball) and her child. They don't belong in this kind of world. They're from 20th century London. What's next, the child of Buzz Lightyear and Cowgirl Jessie? I'd have stuck with just the traditional fairy tale kingdom-y stories - Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Beauty and the Beast. Throwing in 101 Dalmatians, and even Aladdin and Mulan felt off. They're too tied to real-world histories and locations. Like, you're trying to tell me Mulan's from this Auradon kingdom too? I'm pretty sure she's from China, you guys. I'm pretty sure her whole thing is that she lives in feudal China. Whereas Cinderella, Snow White, and Sleeping Beauty are from nondescript fantasy kingdoms, and while Beauty and the Beast takes place in France, it doesn't have to in the way Mulan has to take place in China and 101 Dalmatians has to be fairly modern. 

I'm probably taking that too seriously, considering this movie isn't taking itself seriously at all, but I dunno it bugged me. 

I'm about 2/3's through it now. The date between Mal and Six-Pack The Blonde is one of the worst things this channel has ever released. 
Why is this a musical? There's not even that many songs. And none of the kids can sing. Everyone is auto tuned, making every song incredibly difficult to watch. Most of the time the music doesn't match up with the characters' mouths.

This boils down to a story about a girl changing her entire world view after hanging out with a boy for two days. Thank goodness Elsa isn't in this or she'd be pissed


And that's hilarious Christian, I didn't think of that, but Jay is absolutely Aladdin's kid. 

OH WOW I just got to a hip hop remix of Be Our Guest. Somebody end the madness, please. I'm actually dry heaving right now.

video

Okay this ending is pure fucking garbage. The entire movie, Carlos and Jay have no real romantic situations at all. Here at the end, they're both happy because of independent personal satisfaction. Carlos has this dog, Jay has his sports. But you know what makes the girls happy? Well boys obviously! In Mal's big speech to her friends at the end, her wise words for Evie are basically "You're smart! Smart enough for even a boy to like you! Doesn't that make you happy?!" I'm not even being an ass about it, I'm not reading between the lines, that's what she says! It's so insane! And obviously the only thing Mal cites as a source of happiness is the prince. 

Poor Evie. It may have just been her visually appealing color scheme, but she was the only one I sort of liked. Regardless, her ending was fucking disgusting. "I may not have a boyfriend now, but I'm smart enough that I could have a boyfriend eventually!" God. 

The set design was mostly okay. I think the entire budget went toward set design and Kristen Chenoweth's paycheck, except for maybe about 10 dollars that they used to pay the writers and audio engineers.

Final thought: I don't wanna be a jerk, but Jay's actor's first name is Booboo. That's his name in the credits, Booboo. 

38 comments:

  1. I agree with your assessment. I watched it early on the Disney website and the first thing I thought was, "This makes Teen Beach 2 look like an Academy Award nominee." The good parts were about as good as TB2, but the bad parts outnumbered them and they were dreadful.

    I thought Dove carried it as best as she could, but it was all so predictable and bad. The girl who plays Evie, Sophie Carson, will next be seen co-starring with Sabrina Carpenter in Further Adventures in Babysitting. Hopefully she has better material to work with there. I though Booboo was acceptable in the role they gave him.

    As to why it was a musical, I assume because most Disney movies (animated or live action) tend to have a few songs in them, so it seemed expected to me. Also I wouldn't have expected Kristen Chenoweth to actually be in it without a chance to show everyone why she is a major Broadway star. I'm sure Dove was happy to be able to perform a number with her.

    Are you guys going to review Bunk'd as well? It was terrible. The best cast member might have been Mrs. Kipling (Ravi's lizard). Those kids must really like a paycheck to agree to do that drivel.

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    1. Bunk'd was terribad. I know you guys think Debby Ryan is a horrible actress and don't see what the appeal to her is but it's very clear that she was the glue that held Jessie together and the absolutely most appealing and watchable thing in it. Once you take her out (and add in a bunch of cardboard characters) it falls pretty flat.

      I liked Peyton's parts in doses, hopefully she can grow to fill Debby's shoes and provide something watchable in this mess.

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    2. I'm sure we'll hit Bunk'd eventually, but after this week of torture, ending on Desecendants' particularly sour note, I for one need a break.

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    3. and Further Adventures in Babysitting sounds like a winner.

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    4. The very idea of "Bunk'd" seems off--the idea of a summer camp is that kids meet up for a few weeks a year, and only see each other then. Siblings can be a part of the show, but by no means should they be the central characters--or at least not the only central characters.
      A better idea would have simply been a reboot of "Bug Juice." A miniseries that is only on in the summer.
      In regard to Descendants, I say it's a shame. Anybody up for some Kingdom Hearts?
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7QFYcuzRHSI

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    5. ALWAYS up for kingdom hearts. KH and OUaT are both proof that a Disney ensemble doesn't HAVE to be crap. Descendants just... is.

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    6. Sean what did you think of the Into the Woods movie?

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    7. Speaking for myself, I only saw Everything Wrong With Into the Woods and the thing I noticed most is that the actress who played Little Red Riding Hood looked and sounded quite a bit like Riley Matthews.

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    8. I'll just leave this here then.
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGsVNduvr40

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    9. I thought Bunk'd was fine, no different than Jessie, but then I don't really hate any Disney show . To me it was exactly like Jessie. The only thing that is better in Bunk'd than Jessie is the theme song. A definite improvement, and this is coming from someone who doesn't mind the Jessie theme song.

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    10. Even I have to admit the Bunk'd theme song is better than the Jessie theme song. They really should've redone it as soon as Debby developed as a singer. Also I have to give props to the slick production values they give to the Bunk'd intro, though I have to wonder about giving the credits better production values than the actual show.

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    11. ...and I being an idiot just realized that you have no idea what I'm talking about in regards to the production values of the credits unless you saw the second episode on Watch Disney Channel.

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    12. (Same one as above) I haven't watched that episode but someone posted the intro onto Youtube.

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    13. Sean, you ever see the original Adventures in Babysitting from the '80s? It's worth it just to see Bradley Whitford as the main character's jerk high school boyfriend.

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    14. sean what are you doing here

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    15. you are wrong sean riley is carly maya is sam lucas is Freddie farkle is gibby

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  2. I saw it started so I checked it out. It was at the part where a coach was giving who I now know is Jafar's son some prep talk. It was bad. This gets thrown around a lot and sometimes unfairly, but I really was embarrassed for everyone involved.

    It needed Grace Phipps. She could've been Snow White's daughter or something.

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    1. The combined power of Dove and Grace? We dare not speak of it, surely you know the prophecies.

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    2. I think you got to take the chance. Sure, all that pale skin will likely cause a star to form on film, but it'll be beautiful at least.

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    3. you are wrong sean riley is carly maya is sam lucas is Freddie farkle is gibby

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  3. Papa Gene's BluesAugust 2, 2015 at 1:45 PM

    You guys are going to have to cleanse your palates. Here's a Fairy Tale you might enjoy:
    https://youtu.be/MdaR1gVixOE

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  4. If anyone is interested in reading another review of this that I found truly hilarious, look here: http://io9.com/if-youre-an-adult-watching-disneys-descendants-drink-1721702933

    They had much the same outlook as we did, but I still enjoyed it.

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    1. Nice! I'm glad someone else agrees about Evie. Didn't really touch on the BOYFRIENDS ARE MAGIC bullshit though, and that was the worst part of it for me.

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    2. you are wrong sean riley is carly maya is sam lucas is Freddie farkle is gibby

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    3. What the hell are you talking about Anonymous? No one knows what you're talking about.

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    4. I talk about that girl meets world copied icarly and that riley is carly maya is sam lucas is Freddie farkle is gibby

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    5. hey sean did you know that carly is the gender flip cory sam the gender flip shawn Freddie the gender flip Topanga gibby is minkus spencer is eric since icarly copied boy meets world and that girl meets world copied icarly since riley is carly maya is sam lucas is Freddie farkle is gibby

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  5. Late to this party, and I didn't hate it. Granted, for all they put into it, it didn't turn out as great as I hoped, but I liked it. Evie, Mal, and Maleficent were the best parts of the movie for me, as well as a couple songs. Plot, characterization and use of certain heroes from the classic movies really didn't work for me, either. Would I like to see a sequel? Maybe, depending on if they changed a few things. What exactly I can't pin down at the moment.

    Only things I take home from this movie is that Dove Cameron, Sofia Carson and Kristen Chenoweth are all stars in their own right. Kristen, obviously is already. Yet, I can see both Dove and Sofia becoming big in their own ways. Real talent there.

    Overall 7/10

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    1. I'm curious which songs you liked. Rotten to the Core was just painful, I mostly had to skip the hero's love song to Mal, Mal's love song at the lake was horrendous, and Be Our Guest made me want to die. I guess Chenoweth had that one number in the museum that was enjoyable.

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    2. Lol, "If Only" was my favorite. AKA Mal's love song at the lake. My favorite because it was just Dove singing, and not covered up by the horrendous dubstep like "Rotten to the Core was. The end song wasn't bad, but not memorable.

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  6. I haven't seen this or Bunk'd yet. I figured this would suck since I didn't like the last time Disney tried to re-do something with Maleficent in it. I was intrigued by Bunk'd's summer camp setup but idk what I expected from it. I'm afraid I'm probably going to be getting reeaally defensive over it (Bunk'd) no matter the quality because a friend of a friend is in it and we're all really proud of her. :P

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    1. Oh people are saying Bunk'd is like Jessie (another show with a friend of a friend on it-no he's not on Bunk'd) :P I never hated Jessie like a lot of others did so I guess maybe I might be ok with Bunk'd.

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  7. I saw the six-minute preview of this and it terrified me. The first scene was hard enough to sit through: King Beast (that's...that's his name...?) and Queen Belle (who had none of the original Belle's headstrong spirit) confront their son in a barrage of unrealistic, exposition-heavy dialogue. The acting is wooden and the costumes are iffy (particularly Beast's plastic crown).

    And then the song starts. Yeesh! Auto-tuned, silly kid pop with none of the charm of great Disney composers who worked on these properties like Menken. These kids feel more bratty than evil, like a teenage version of BeBe's kids or something.

    That was about all I could take. Sounds like I didn't miss much.

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  8. you are wrong sean riley is xarly maya is sam lucas is freddie farkle is gibby

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  9. I actually liked the characters more than the story itself. It's a musical because the director of the movie directed Disney musicals like High School Musical (which I love). Yes, the actor who played Jay is named BooBoo. He's actually the most popular actor out of the main four. I've heard many people watched Descendants just for him.

    This is definitely a movie kids would enjoy more than older teens and adults. But, let's remember that this is a "kids movie". As long as children like it, there's going to be more.

    The best way to enjoy this movie is to stop thinking and just go with it.

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